Jewish Dating Blog | The inside scoop – Jewish Dating wisdom from the Matchmaker

Jewish Dating On-Line many people are trying it to meet that special someone – as a Matchmaker we hear -”we want to meet someone with this type of personality, or someone who is sensitive, caring considerate. Not “cheap”. Certain personality traits can not be found out by a phone call.  Even though our service – Jretromatch - has at least one benefit over some of the other sites, as we actually speak with our members to get a better “sense” of who they are, we still may not “pick-up” certain character traits that so many people are asking us for.

Were on-line dating may not be the perfect situation for everyone, it can be the first step for introduction. What was blind-dating so many years ago, at least now you have the opportunity to review a brief profile, and photo’s prior to accept a match.

I still find though, that with on-line dating people become more “picky” because they have the profile they can reveiw and decide by just a short few paragraphs if this person is for them. Unless there is really very specific things mentioned – how they want to raise a family, political orientation that may be so different then your own, a specific trait that you don’t get along with – why not accept the potential match. A phone call is the next step, and then you can discuss certain issues that are important to you – and find out if there could be more potential.

In Jewish Dating – I some times believe that the Orthodox community has a better outlook on dating. When you find out that someone has gotten engaged only after 3-10 dates…how could this be, how can someone consider marriage after such a short time, how can someone really know a person after only a few dates, how…

Well, the dating is different, the discussion is values, what you want and see for your future, is this person good, kind, considerate. Yes there may even be checking the people out before they go out to see if there is potential for this match.

The dating is not spending two years ( or more) going out and having fun, dinner dates, social activities, vacations together to see if we can live together”. Take this out of the picture – during this time – you may have fun, travel around, but are you also speaking with each other, and figuring out if you have the same “plans”, expectations of what you want in a marriage?

Dating is difficult, no matter how you go out and search for your partner. But before you actual date, really decide why are you dating. Is it for a casual relationship – to have the fun with someone so you are not on your own? Or is it to meet your future partner? When you really decide why you want to date, then when it come’s to on-line dating or any other method, don’t “kid” yourself, you may actual have met and because you where to “picky” they are no longer available.

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If you are not ready to work hard, trying  everything possible and be committed to dating – then take a step back.

Dating is hard work – Lets look at some of the standard responses to not wanting to go out: Jewish Dating can be even more difficult as you also want to find someone that will be compatible with your religious beliefs.

* not physically attracted to them.

Okay lets look at this – physical attraction. How can you really tell by the photo. I receive emails from so many people how after they have met someone that the person didn’t look anything like there photo..so if you are declining a match for this, think again. How many people meet and say they where not physically attracted to each other and over time once seeing how the person was – chemisty and attraction grew and made it work

* personality

Speak to your friends, family and co-workers. Are there partners exactly the personality they wanted. We are all different. Maybe meeting some so totally different, can bring the balance of the relationship together

* Distance

Distance is hard – but if this is the only way to meet someone – isn’t it worth the sacrifices – the financial means – the travel, if you end up together.

* not religious enough/ too religious

I realize this is difficult as some people don’t want a person that is “finding” themselves. But you can open up a little to someone a little more or less. When you are married you end choosing how you want to practice, especially when you have children. This is something that you can also work together and finding your comfort zone. Or if you are flexible and open to someone a little more or less then your self as long as you respect each other within your belief’s.

Bottom line. Dating is hard work – but you have to really work at it. Don’t spend the time if you are not serious. If you are serious then use every option available out there. Dating site’s, single’s events, matchmaking services , speed-dating the list goes on..

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I read so many profile’s being a matchmaker and everyone always speak about what there ideal match should be. But what if your ideal match is not what you think s/he should be?

If I wrote a profile of what I was looking for when I was single it would be something like this…

Energenic, fun, spontaneous woman who loves travel, the outdoors, exploring and going off the beaten track. Enjoys hiking, skiing, and is open to try anything once, except for bungee jumping. Is not really into music, but do enjoy it when I hear it and have to say I am a little bit county and rock and roll…enjoys dancing, dinner’s out, good conversation. Is Modern Orthodox/Conservadox, wears pants and is not planning on covering her hair. Loves Shabbat and the traditions of Judaism. Spending time with family and friends. Have a huge extended family that are very close, and even though we live far apart we all do our best to stay in touch. Loves kids, and hoping to have a few. Sometimes I feels like one , and will do silly things that are unexpected. Enjoys life, and is very independant

Looking for similar, but if not you are willing to, and we can find ways to compromise.  If you are not religious that is fine, as long as you are willing to take on some, if you are divorced/with or without children, hopefully you have secure employment. Career doesn’t matter, but being employed does, with a position for your kids and ours, and together we can work it out. 

Have no set physical expectations as long as when we meet the chemistry can grow. Lets meet and see how it goes.

Okay reality: Found my partner.

He loves to stay at home, has no desire to travel or experience anything new. Keeps in touch with some of his family but with the extended family rarely knows what they are doing. When we met he was between jobs, and no real profession, had just left the police force after 20 years and was going from job to job, security – LOL – NONE.  Relgious: We where pretty much on the same level so that was good. He was divorced with 2 children, and no job. Not into going out, did I mention just likes to be home. Hiking, skiing, travel…in his mind it is a waste of time.

Today: Happily married – we have 2 children – that where adopted ( that is a whole other story), we are close to his children as well – but distance makes it difficult. When I want to do things usually take the kids and we have a great time. He stays at home. Haven’t skiied in 8 years. Travel – we moved to Israel away from family and close friends, so our travel is to visit everyone. I will now attempt to book trips with a stopover so we can get a chance to see another country – or an airport and we can say we where there. Next stop Kiev.

I love to go out, I just say we are going and he will agree – but his preference is a dinner in the house with the kids. Hiking – places to visit around the county – he usually views it from my photo’s.

But we have made it work..oh..religion. We are Shomer Shabbat – don’t eat out in non-kosher restaurants, I have stopped wearing pants, and do cover my hair.

So my suggestion to all of you. Ideal matches – forget it, meet someone who is nice, supportive, who together you can work everything out – compromise and make it work. Otherwise – I guess you will remain single.

If you are open to meet – the try the many on-line dating sites,

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I have seen this post through emails and other dating Blogs. It is a familar scenario, and one that is so true. Are you looking for what you can’t have? Being realistic in meeting your potential partner is one of the most important things. Yes we want the “ideal” person but look around, ask your friends and co-workers – are they really married to the perfect person? IT DOESN’T EXIST. GO ON TO DATE AND BE MORE OPEN

Read on…

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: “You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!”

So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: “These men Have Jobs”. The second floor sign reads: “These men Have Jobs and Love Kids”. The third floor sign reads: “These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.”

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

At the fourth floor the sign reads: “These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.”

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: “These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.” She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: “You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.”

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

IS THIS WHAT THE DATING SCENE HAS BECOME. ARE YOU AFRAID TO MAKE A REAL COMMITTMENT TO MEETING AND FINDING A PERSON THAT MAY NOT FIT INTO YOUR IDEAL BUT WILL BE A WONDERFUL SPOUSE? DON’T GO SHOPPING – WITH SHOPPING YOU CAN ALSO RETURN THE GOODS AT ANY TIME.

MARRIAGE – RELATIONSHIPS – DATING IS SERIOUS AND HARD WORK – YOU NEED TO BE COMMITTED TO IT – AND NOT THINK WELL IF I DON’T LIKE IT IT CAN BE RETURNED.

So it is time to stop and think – and be serious – go out there and join the dating sites - take courses – socialize in the environment that you will want to meet someone

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What is Beshert – best translated as your soul mate that Hashem (G-d) has pre-ordained that two souls will meet. It says in the Talmud (Bible) that 40 days before you are born that “the daughter of so and so is destined for this person.” This is your Beshert. A match made in heaven.

Does this mean that we should wait around? If G-d has already chosen our Beshert, then one day that person should just appear. The answer to this is no, just as your Beshert has been chosen for you there is the possibility that with free will involved, you may not actually meet .

How do we know if the person we meet is our Beshert? There is still a lot of work ahead to finding eachother. It is a difficult process, , it is even more problematic as we all have a pre-conceived idea of the type of person we are looking for. With this sometimes your Beshert may be overlooked.

Finding your Beshert is bringing two souls together. Just as Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and then they were reunited, so to is the connection for husband and wife, finding your Beshert means bringing your two souls together, and becoming whole once again.

The dating world is difficult enough. Some are lucky and find their Beshert after the first introduction, but I am sure in some of these cases these people may also second guess themselves, and question if this person is truly there Beshert. You want to figure out what is really important to you. It is difficult to finding your Beshert when you are in your late teens or early 20′s, and Orthodox, how do you really know what you are looking for?  One of the things you may consider is when meeting your prospective beshert, is how does this person make you feel? Do you feel that you could be a better person by being with them? .

You also have to remember that no one is perfect, and you must decide which “faults” you may be willing to compromise on. Finding your Beshert may be very difficult, don’t go into it thinking that it will be easy, for some it is, others will wait years to meet For the Orthodox, finding your Beshert, the pressure is on, as if you don’t find someone within the first year of looking, you will also have the people that are ready for finding their Beshert who weren’t ready the year before.

There are also many people who over time become religious, “Baal Teshuvas” that may be older. Some are divorced and have become religious after the first marriage, and others became more and more religious over the years. Is this to say the first marriage wasn’t their Beshert, and now they are looking for their Beshert? Only Hashem knows the answer. Some find their Beshert right away, and for others, such as myself, it took 23 years of dating to find my Beshert at 39 years old. I look back now and know that I had to wait for my Beshert, because he had to go through 20 years of marriage to someone else, become religious, for me to meet him.

To find your Beshert you must be open minded and really consider when someone discusses a potential match for you; don’t necessarily turn someone down because that person could be you Beshert – and use everyone possible resource out there,   from On-line Dating Sites, Matchmaker’s, to just networking – or try Speed-dating, or even programs within your Community, just do what it takes to meet someone  .

 

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Let’s Talk.

You join a Jewish Dating  Site, and there are quite a few out there.  What do you pay monthly $12-$25 depending on the site and the services you sign up for? Think about the price, it is probably what you spend on coffee for the week – ah the coffee is probably more. 

You decide to check out one of the many single’s events in your area, you go and have a good time. But no success in meeting someone

You decide to check out one of the many trips for single’s today, you go and have an amazing time seeing a different country – or enjoyig a cruise. But no success in meeting someone.

You now join one of the many on-line Jewish sites you get matches – you go out on dates, but no success.

You may live in an area with limited Jew’s, and or know most in the area. Or you live in one of the “Big” cities but age wise out of the 2o-40 range, and it may be more difficult to meet someone. You speak to us on the phone and you are fully aware of these “challenges to dating” . Of course – you can’t and don’t  give up you continue to go on the single’s events, the trips, social networking, trying to meet someone that you will be compatible with and can have  a serious relationship.

So where am I going with this..if you are on the site’s it is because you haven’t met someone up to now. You want help looking for and potentially to meet someone. We can’t guarantee the success of the site. We can’t quarantee how many matches you will receive or if they will be mutually accepted or not. We can’t quarantee that today you will meet someone. We can try our best in helping in the process.

We speak with you on the phone – and you mention how difficult it is to meet, then you ask how many people on the site will you be compatible with? You ask how many people in your area, as you mention you know everyone and can you find me someone “new”. The challenges are there.

So this is my question – for the price of a few cups of coffee, you can be on the site and get the benefits of it, we may not have a match – for you but do you question when you go on the single’s event – or the trips – or you have been dating for years with no luck and you are spending so much – do you ask for your money back from all the other places?

Try and see what we can do, it may take just a few weeks, months, or years, but it is one more option available to you – so for the price of those coffee’s take a chance. But just try to enjoy the Jewish Dating Services  out there and available to you

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Caption reads – Due to his pioneering work with mouthwash no one dared to tell him about his own breathDue to his pioneering work with mouthwash, no one dared tell Dr. Flint about his own breath. by Toos, Andrew

So this may be a little extreme but this is a serious topic to discuss. When you are going out on a date - take care of yourself personally. You want to look good, but also remember you will be sitting next to this person and want to impress them. This could be the first date and you would hope it would lead to others.

Prepare yourself – If you are a person that normally doesn’t use deordorant – maybe consider some. Brush your teeth, shower and wash your hair then comb it.  Dress nicely, don’t mean fancy, just clean clothes that have recently been washed.

If you are not sure – look around you and ask a friend – for assistance.  Dating is serious – and if you are serious about it then prepare yourself in every possible way.

If you have a friend that you feel can use some help then I recommend you discussing this topic with them, at first they really may not appreciate it but in the long run I am sure you are doing them a great favour.

When you are ready to date, there are many options out there in Jewish Dating - use ever resource available to you.

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When you are meeting people in a natural setting – at a party or with friends you usually act yourself. They tend to meet the “true you”. Be this way when you are out on a date. Don’t try to be someone who you aren’t, because eventually this can only hurt you.

With on-line dating sites  - it is very easy to write what you want, you hope this will attract the person – but when you meet them how do you explain yourself?

So many times we see people not telling the truth about there age. It is easy to “take a few years off” But is this really fair to someone you meet. I realize many people today are “younger in years” then they really are – but don’t deceit the eachother. This is not the proper way to start off a relationship when you are dating.

I realize we sometimes “embelish” the truth a little,  but when it comes to age, employment,  just be honest. Don’t start off the relationship this way – someone will always get hurt  when they find out the truth.

Personality as well – we all try to please our partners and say we enjoy things we may not – be honest with each other. You always can remember the stories of 50 years later – the woman is serving her husband dinner – and he finally says how he dislikes it..when she asked why he never mentioned this to her..he says..I never wanted to hurt your feelings. This is very nice..but is it worth spending 50 years not enjoying your dinner.  Just be honest with eachother from start.

You are dating to meet someone – just be yourself – if it is meant to be you will like eachother for who you both are not for who you are trying to be. If you do not believe that who you are is the best..then maybe before you begin to date you should be looking at yourself and seeing where YOU can be making changes.

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Dating Distance is not usually what anyone would want – but for some people this is the only way they could meet. With on-line site’s this is more of a possibility and “doors” can be broader and the matches can be made. So when you are dating – consider Jewish Dating – and going the long distance route..

Don’t close yourself off to Intercity Dating or even International, it is more difficult but you can make it work if it is meant to be. It will be more of a challenge, and you will require some creativity to keep it going but it could be worth it. It may be best to speak to each other a few times before you schedule the first meeting – which will require one of you to travel.

Plan ahead -  how will you get there – where will you stay – who will be the one to travel first.

Things to think about – if the date doesn’t work out – what will you do?

Here are some tips: some that I  personally did while Intercity Dating:

1. If you have friends in the city you are traveling to, made arrangements to stay with them – this way make the best of the time away

2. If you go to  a new city – stay at a Hotel -  “research” the city – so if things don’t work out make a mini-vacation so at least you get to enjoy yourself and do some site-seeing

3.  Help the person with there travel plans – make arrangements for them to being picked up at the Airport, or at least offer – or assist with a place to stay. Highly recommend the first visit even if they offer do not stay at there place. Just in case things don’t work out it may be very uncomfortable for the both of you.

4. Don’t plan to be together every second of the day. If things go well – then plans can be changed easier then trying to make arrangements to find things to do…

5. Make the first visit a short one, but if you can extend it if things work out then that would be great.

6. No matter what happens make the best of the time away.

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Purim – It is a day to hide behind the mask. We dress up, and play make believe. We can be who ever we want to. Many people get a little drunk, and we “stamp” out Haman’s name when we read the Megillah.  Maybe we should think about this.

Today more and more people are asking when dating, one question. What is it? How does he/she look? We ask about the physical being of the person before anything else. Let’s think about this. We also play dating “games” you say you are serious but never actually follow through on matches. You call a person and figure if the conversation doesn’t go well – why bother to give it a second chance. You go out on a date, but it may not go well – so instead of being a little considerate and making the best of the situation, you leave through the back (maybe without even settling the bill). Instead of giving it a chance or being more open.  

Physical look

What attributes this person has, not if they are a good person, or what type of family they are from. We look first at the physical. I am not saying this is wrong, of course we want to be attracted to our partner, and there has to be chemistry, but attraction and chemistry can also grow. Who the person is, and what they can bring to the relationship probably won’t. Are they kind, considerate, can they be a provider, and you don’t need to have a great profession today to be able to provide for your family (as we have seen with so many people out of work) you need someone who can be there through emotional support, hardships that will happen in your daily life.

Socially

You want someone who is committed – not into the “partying” ( or maybe you still want this) but think if this is how you want to be as you want to begin a relationship – are you still trying to be a kid, maybe it is time to “grow up”.It is time to stop hiding behind the masks, playing make believe, and stamping out what isn’t right. It is time to make commitments, be realistic, and maybe take a few more chances.

Purim Semach

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