Are you still looking over your shoulder?
You are at a Jewish singles event and speaking with someone – but still tend to look out to see who else comes in that may be cuter or more attractive and not give the person you are speaking with your full attention – you may not be ready.
If you go out on a date, and you are still thinking of you last relationship – you may not be ready.
If you are out on a date, and that is all you are speaking about is your last date, previous relationships, and comparing one person to the other on your date – you may not be ready.
It is time to stop comparing, thinking that there may be someone out there better, stop looking for the perfect, and instead give someone time, and effort to make it work or at least see if it can – you may not be ready.
So if this is you – stop meeting and looking over your shoulder, take the time you need to get over the last relationship, put yourself in the position that you know you are willing and available to take the time to work on a relationship, because YES it is work, and only then will you be available to let someone into you life.
I would like to share this with you….
|“Chupah” by chassidic artist Zalman Kleinman|
In today’s world, is marriage still relevant? Unlike a hundred years ago, a couple today can live together without getting married. What are they missing? (This is not a theoretical question for me . . . )
Marriage is more relevant today than ever before in history. Marriage used to be a given. Now it is a choice. All the old arguments for marriage have fallen away, and we are left with only one true reason to get married. We can finally get married for the right reason.
What were once good reasons to get married are largely irrelevant today. Here are four classic reasons to get married:
So we can live together. As you pointed out in your question, this reason no longer applies to the many couples who live happily together without getting married.
So we can have children. Again, it is possible to have children and be wonderful parents without getting married.
To make a solid commitment. That’s a charming one. We are getting married to make it harder to walk away from each other. How romantic.
To make our relationship official. You could achieve that by placing an announcement in the newspaper saying, “We are now official.” You don’t need a caterer to serve gazpacho soup in a ballroom just to make it official.
So what are we left with? If not to live together, to start a family, to make a commitment or to make it official, why get married?
There’s only one reason.
Marriage makes a relationship divine. Getting married means that something bigger than both of you is bringing you together. A wedding achieves something that simply can’t happen otherwise: G‑d is introduced into the relationship.
Until they are married, a couple’s commitment to each other is a human commitment, with all the limitations of being human. We can’t see the future, we can’t know what may change and what may eventuate, and we make mistakes. The chupah elevates the commitment beyond human limitations. The blessings made under the chupah invoke G‑d’s name upon the couple, and bring G‑d into the union as a partner. You are married not just because you chose to be, but because G‑d has said so.
Without a chupah, you can have love, commitment and family—but it isn’t holy. Only by standing under a chupah and marrying according to tradition does your union become sacred. Only after the wedding is your love blessed with the divine imprint of eternity.
Why waste your time or anyone else’s. If you are not going to make an effort in dating then DON’T date.
Go out with you friends and hang out at home or work – but if you are not serious why go through the motions.
I am so tired of hearing my members complaining that they called, left a message with a mutually approved match – and the other person has not contacted them back. Why bother going through the motions to pay for a Jewish on-line site, log in, accept matches, matches get approved, and then no follow-up. It is so difficult to actually get couples to agree to go out and meet – then not to. WHY
Everyone is busy in life, no matter the stage you are in, school, careers, life. But if you want a future with a spouse, and family, then the efforts have to be made to actually go out. We all know life is not easy, and with every stage there are challenges – some come easier then others, and other’s have to work harder for some things. Dating is difficult – but if you have an opportunity and you say you are interested then why not take it?
Dating is difficult – let alone Jewish Dating – to find someone that you are not only compatible personality wise but level of “Jewishness” as well. Dating on-line is easy – especially Jretromatch. You have someone looking out for you – sending you a match, if you like the match, accept, if it gets mutually approved you call and meet.
Take the time, an hour of the day to meet for coffee. If you can’t do that then maybe just reconsider – and when you are ready, we will be waiting for you.
I would like to ask people their opinion:
I know many people will meet more the one person at a time, and other’s prefer to only go out and see how one date goes before they go out with someone else. What do you do when you are using a on-line matchmaking site and have a really good potential match, then get a call from your Shadchan that a match that she has been working on – the person is ready to go out and everything has been checked with references and appears to be a good potential match as well?
How do you make the decision of which person to go out with first?
My grandmother’s 90.
He’s about 93.
It’s going great.
They never argue.
They can’t hear each other
Being in a relationship is like a full time job; don’t apply if you’re not ready.”
Don’t ever say you’re not good enough! If the person can’t see how amazing you are, then they’re the one who’s not good enough for you
Jretromatch did it again.
Another successful Shidduch (match). With all the frustrations of setting people up, the amount of declines, complaints, and hours spent reviewing emails, seeing the reasons for the declined matches, the mutually approved matches that one person doesn’t follow through on, just to see it closed up a few weeks later….this is the reason all the matchmakers continue to spend the time.
When a match is made – we say Mazel Tov, and are thrilled to be doing what we do.
This is a response I wrote to a member of mine after he was commenting on the frustrations of dating and how he never though he would still be single….
I can relate – I was voted to be the first in my high school class to be married – I was the 2nd to last – and got married at 40..there are NO answers to any of this – as after 7 years of matchmaking – over 20 years of dating – even though they now give me a credit for being an “expert” I really don’t think anyone can be. It is just pure “Mazel” when the time is for anyone to meet.
As for being “cool” – when a dear friend of mine met my husband – he came to me and said – never thought he would be your type expected you to be with this “cool” guy…my husband mister conservative – we are so….different in so many aspects…but somehow we make it work. Can I answer or give you advise …no real answer – unfortunetly – I can just say do what you can network – use everything you can – and just be the best person you can be – and know that you are doing what you can..as you said – you are at a good place in your life..and no you are not the only one…I hear this from so…many men and woman, so it is not unique.
Why are there so many singles out there…I think for some of the reasons ..so many got caught up with school – exams – careers – and by the time they are available years later and older – expectations are now a little different..people are more set in there ways – for some maybe a little more selfish – and for others just looking for their “ideal” relationship which to be honest I don’t think really exists.
Is this the asnwer you want to hear – I am sure not – but there is only one person who has the answer’s and I know it is not me…
This isn’t so much dating advise but a story to share with you – I hope you will learn something from it:
When I hear people are still looking for there ideal match, I want to ask them so many questions. Do you expect to meet the perfect person? Are we perfect? Everyone has some flaws – how can we go into a relationship without trying to compromise? Marriage is all about compromise, working hard – it is probably the most difficult thing in our lives, or will be – to make a good marriage great.
If you ask most of your friends – will they answer that they have a great marriage – or it can be a little better. I think today with all the modern technology we are loosing our way to communicate – communication of the voice. Speaking to each other, instead of texting – emailing – messaging, it is time to talk and communicate with each other to find out if there is enough mutual similarities to make it work.
Marriage: I know of a couple who spent 57 years arguing – about the big and small things.
Woman: Clean fanatic who would vacuum three times a day, use a sponge in the bathroom sink to clean up after each use, everything in its place. Taught her children to put away there clothes – but convinced when they left for school went into the rooms to straighten up (as no children had that clean a room). Had a house full of people, during all the holidays, open door policy for friends, relatives and anyone who wanted, including the animals that some how ended up in the house. Managed to do all this as the husband traveled for a living coming home on weekends – and sometimes being gone weeks at a time, when the distance was to great to make it home.
Man: His idea of clean was leaving the newspapers piling up for days, clothes thrown all around. Wasn’t around too much to teach the children – but when he was he was, they had good and bad memories. If he couldn’t handle things or if the kids did anything wrong he tended to yell. Enjoyed the people around the house as much as she did, and had no problem if relatives, friends or animals where around.
Together they brought up children – kept the extended family around, made a home for many. They traveled each summer and winter together with the kids, even if it was getting in a car and traveling for hours to visit family who moved away. Planned a European Vacation for the family which took them 5 years to save for, just so everyone could be together for quality time.
The woman wasn’t too healthy but with all her times in the hospital the man was constantly by her side. As they got older and the health issues got worse for both of them, he was by her side, including cleaning up after her.
This couple, my parents, they may have not had the great marriage, but they had a good one. My mother passed away last week, and my father cried, for loosing his wife and best friend. They survived the marriage and I only hope that I can say one day that my husband and I can do for each other in the end what my parents did for one another.
Marriage is hard work, and if everyone’s expectations while dating are that they are looking for the perfect relationship, I doubt you will find it. Look for someone that will have the personality to stay with you, work through the differences, be there for each other in the good times and bad. Be open with each other, and trust one another, that is what will work.
In memory of Raizel bas Chana B”H (you are missed)
Modern Technology can help but also hinder the world of Jewish Dating. With the technology we have today it is easy to communicate with people – date distance – and the use of many dating site’s available can improve the ways to meeting people. SKYPE – Messenger - Video communication can make a date – though distance possible. You can even plan a romantic dinner – being many miles apart through a SKYPE call.
Smart Phone’s bring you access to each other in moments with all the different possibilities, why then is Jewish Dating so difficult?
With this modern technololgy it is causing everyone to forgot about the basic form of communication – our mouth’s. Now with texting – using internet browsing and the use of social networking to find out more information about a potential match – we could be missing out on the potential matches as what you may read give’s you the chance to determine if this person will be for you – instead of using the mouth – your voice to find and and speak with them. Seeing a person and the use of body language as a form of communication as well. This we definitely don’t get through the internet.
Texting is wonderful – for reminder’s – quick messages – but it is not meant to replace a simple phone call to find out about more about a person. When it comes to dating – put the Smart Phone’s away – go back a few years…and talk to each other through your voice.
In last week’s parsha, (Torah segment) we read about Kiryat Yam Suf – parting of the Red Sea – and the exodus to freedom. In Bereshit Rabba, Chapter 68:4, it says “To make a good match is as difficult as the parting of the Red Sea.”
If this is the situation why does everyone think that by joining a dating site, networking, going on single’s events or another other initiative that you may do to find your soul mate will be easy.
If the parting of the Red Sea– and the exodus to freedom was difficult why shouldn’t one of the most important decisions be as complicated? Don’t expect a matchmaker on a dating site to have the perfect person for you – it may happen. But is takes every possible connection, networking, and being open to try anything to meet your partner.
As a matchmaker I only hope and pray it will – but the amount of matches I have made over the years through the site and off, which has reached the 1000’s, I have been the messenger for 15 successful one’s. It is so difficult to make a match – so to have 15 successful one’s I am thrilled. So take a moment and realize – we can only do so much we are the messenger if it is meant to be that way. Look at this as your exodus, as the Jews leftEgyptfor the unexpected, but believed enough to go forward, I hope that you will also find what you are looking for.