You have started to date, it is one thing to read up or speak to people about the dating process, and to use the blogs, and the books out there on the market to help guide you.
But, if you need the books, because you have no idea about the whole dating process, then maybe you should wait till you are a little more mature or get a little street-smart before going out.
Dating is serious, and some of you may not be ready, don’t let parental or peer pressure guide you, especially when you are young and dating for a serious relationship towards marriage. If you are not mature enough to date, then you are no where ready to get married and deal with all the “adult decisions”.
Lets talk, as a matchmaker on a on-line site, what can I see as some of the advantages to this.
Well, we are there to screen the profile’s and the person, and then make matches not only from the profile’s but also from the interactions from the members. We are a voice to speak with – either through email or letting us know and we can call you. Are you having questions about the person, want an unbiased opinion on how the dating is going, or just need someone to speak with to help guide you through the dating process?
As a matchmaker, we are there for you, we don’t only make the matches, we follow through after, how things are going. If we see you haven’t logged in, then a call is made to see how things are going, or let you know that there are matches being made in the network for you to have a look.
If you are being totally unrealistic in what you are expectations are, we will speak with you about this as well. In the end you make the final decisions, but the help is there if you want it.
So lets’ forget the traditional role of the “Yenta” matchmaker, we still could be, but we are also around for you as support, to guide you, and for what you choose our position to be.
So lets work together, and hopefully we can help to find your soul-mate, your Beshert.
You put you information on-line for all to reveiw. What ever site you are on, if you are working with a matchmaker, or doing you searching on your own. Let’s be honest.
What ever information you are writing, make it accurate, what are you out to prove? The idea is to meet someone, is the first step to meeting, trying to cover the deceit? Be honest. In the end you will only be hurting yourself.
I am tired of trying to “fix’ the deceit. Members not being honest, and hurting others. I am tired of hearing the excuses, well I look younger then I am, I am really not that weight, my height is 5’3″, write the truth. If you are looking for the right person, then don’t you want them to know you for who you really are?
Be honest, you will go alot further, and you are not hurting someone when they find out the truth.
I read this and thought I would share it with you:
Personal Experiences From Our Readers` Author: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Special Note: A few weeks ago, I published a letter from a single woman who was in conflict as to whether or not she should accept a marriage proposal from a man whom she described as “kind, smart, but nerdy”. Subsequently, I have received many letters from our readers who wrote of their own experiences. The following is just one of them:
First, I want to thank you for all your hard work and writings. I am a sixty-five year old Jewish woman, and although I am not a member of the Orthodox community, I love reading your column and advice to the people who write in because I find it so inspiring.
I felt the need to write because I empathize with the two “youngish” single women who have written recently. Both are confused as to whether to accept proposals from nice, religious men who are either “nerdy” or too slight of build. They say they don’t feel the “magic” they believe they are supposed to feel. Although I understand their dilemma, I laughed out loud at the incongruity of the situation. You see, I was once one of those youngish women, and now that I’ve had time to put things in perspective. I was really laughing at my former self.
I began dating in high school and always wanted to marry young and have a large family. I was slender, pretty and popular and I assumed that finding the man of my dreams would be easy. It wasn’t until my early twenties however, that I became committed to raising a Jewish family. At twenty-two, I thought I had met “the one”. He was older than me, an attorney, and Jewish. I thought the sun rose and set on him, and I felt more “magic” than they have in Disneyland. What more could one ask for? I spent five years hoping we’d marry, but he was afraid to make that commitment because his first marriage had been very traumatic. I wasn’t bitter toward him (after a while), and we remained good friends, but I had to move on and find the one with whom I could raise a family. I resumed dating, but the scene was much like the young woman described – the same singles going to endless parties until you could smell the desperation in the air. I compared everyone to my first boyfriend and none could compete. I was almost tempted to go back to him since he lived just a few blocks away.
So I left the East coast and moved to California at age twenty-nine. Here, people were less judgmental about my age or the fact that I was still single. However, finding marriage-minded Jewish men was not a simple task. Finally, I met Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach and joined the community of “hippies” who davened at the House of Love and Prayer in San Francisco. There was a synagogue on the first floor and two apartments upstairs – one for women and one for men. Anyone could “crash” (find a place to stay) here. Although Shlomo himself wasn’t there often, there were other rabbis who came to teach as well as countless young people who were visiting from Israel or other parts of the U.S. I never saw so many single Jewish men in one place. And they were looking for wives! I was sure I would find someone here….I watched as my new friends paired off and were married. Then the babies started to arrive. Of course, I was happy for everyone, but when would it be my turn? There were men I liked, but they didn’t like me in the same way. And there were men who liked me, but I just didn’t feel the “magic” or the “special connection” that Hollywood has trained young people in our society into thinking they should feel.
After I had lived in the community for two and a half years, many of its members moved to the East coast or to Israel and the House of Love and Prayer was closed.. I joined a Sephardic shul that had many young people in the congregation. I fell “head over heels” for a young man and we became engaged. Our wedding date was announced to the congregation and my fiancé provided a seudah. Finally, I thought – this was it by this time, I was thirty-three years old. However, it was not to be. I discovered that the young man had misrepresented some important facts about himself and our relationship deteriorated. I learned that I couldn’t trust him. How could I have been so gullible? I began blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with me. Why did my dream of a happy family life only happen to other people?
I’m a very determined person (okay – so I’m stubborn) and I couldn’t imagine giving up. So after a recuperation period and some therapy, I began dating again. I moved in with my best friend and her husband (I had introduced them) and their little daughter, so I didn’t feel so alone. My friend’s husband is a rabbi although he was employed in another field. He likes to give advice and I listened to him. He helped me see that some of my preconceived, romantic notions were causing me to overlook the good qualities in others. I began to realize that some qualities on my “must have” list weren’t important. Just in time, too, I was now thirty-seven years old.
A short time later, I met a young man at an organization where we were doing volunteer work. When I say young, I mean it! He was twenty five years old. He asked me to go out for coffee afterward. I only said yes because I had nothing planned that afternoon and didn’t feel like going straight home. I didn’t feel attracted to him – he was about two inches taller than me – too short in my opinion, and I knew he was younger than me. But he seemed eager and I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything if I were nice to him.
We went to a vegan restaurant and he offered to buy me lunch. We drank carrot juice and when my glass was empty he offered to get me a second. “He’s awfully nice”, I thought to myself. Then, he told me he’d had a crush on me for weeks! He asked me if I would go out with him. I thought his behavior was cute, and I was flattered that he liked me, but had decided never to date anyone younger because my previous boyfriend (the one to whom I’d been engaged) was younger than me. I wanted someone mature. He said, “Well if the age difference doesn’t matter to me, who should it matter to you?” I realized that my own obstinate notions could cause me to miss a great opportunity and I decided to get out of my own way and see what happened. What had I to lose? The worst thing that could happen was that I’d be disappointed, and I had already learned how to deal with that.
We began dating, and I told myself “I’ll just keep seeing him as long as things are going well and see what happens.” We got along very well and seemed to enjoy the same things and have the same values. We saw each other every day and on the 16th day, he asked me to marry him! I was taken aback at first, and told him I needed some time to think about it.
After a month, he asked me again. This time, I said “yes.” We were married six months later under a chuppah in Golden Gate Park. He wanted a large wedding so we invited about 300 people. My best friend was matron of honor and her husband, the rabbi, “gave me away” because my parents couldn`t attend. Their little daughter was the flower girl. What a joyous day it was!
Today, we`ve been married 27 years and have a 24-year-old son (born when I was 40). We are retired and our son is about to graduate from a prestigious university. We`ve had our “ups and downs” but have never forgotten our commitment to support each other. Of course, the things that were “wrong” with my sweet husband are still there – his neck is short, he is short, his grammar and spelling are bad, he eats too fast, – should I go on? But what does all that matter, when we are so happy together?
Rebbetzin, I hope you will forward this letter to those two young women who wrote you. You can publish it if you want to (although it`s rather long). Even though I`m from outside your community, I want to share my odyssey with others in the hope it will help some one see clearly when faced with this decision. I feel this is a situation many young people struggle with because the media has influenced us – even subconsciously- to value things that, in the long run, don`t really matter
We have spoken about first dates, and some good places to go, now lets discuss eating out. You decide to go out for a meal. A few things to remember.
What not to order:
Pasta is okay, but stay away from Spagetti, it can get messy to eat.
Sandwiches – nothing real thick and juicy
Ribs or Chicken: Eating with your fingers, well not early on in the dating.
Drinking: If you order water, this may put the other person at a disadvantage if they wanted a soft drink ( soda, or pop, depending on where you come from) so maybe order both.
Wine, maybe discuss this, and order for both. Don’t go with the bottle, one of you may drink a little too much and that wouldn’t be to good.
Try to find a place that would be enjoyable for both, may offer a few choices just in case. Remember in Jewish Dating, don’t assume you know if the person will or won’t eat out unless it is kosher, so discuss this ahead of time. You don’t want to get to a restaurent and find out that your date will be ordering the salad, because she doesn’t eat out.
When planning you date, discuss ahead of time. It will be better in the end.
On-line dating is difficult enough. Your matchmaker finally gets a mutually approved match, and what happens? You don’t respond. Why not? If there is a reason for this please let your matchmaker know, so we can contact the person and let them know the reason for the delay.
If you are serious about meeting someone, great. If not, then don’t waste the others person time.
Just as a child needs a “time out” occassionally so may you from dating. Know the signs, when you start feeling really frustrated, and nothing seems to be going well. Or when you are only complaining about the experience. Take a time out, this frustration could reflect with your dates, and that is not a good sign.
If you are positive about things, with yourself, your life, then this is what you want to come out. Be happy.
When choosing a place for a first date, try to find a place where you can be comfortable in. Don’t go somewhere where there is loud music, the only thing you will be doing is trying to communicate over the noise. Movies, are good, you don’t spend time getting to know one another, even though some feel that at least you can have a conversation afterward about the film if nothing else clicks.
I always like the coffee (tea) date. Go to a nice local coffee place, they are usually quiet, can have a conversation to get to know each other, if things go well, can always go out somewhere else after to continue the conversation, and well, if not, how long does it take for a cup of coffee?
Just go as relaxed as possible, and try to have a conversation about general things, don’t get to intimate and ask really personal questions on a first date.
Make the time to relax your nerves, and deal with any dating fears before starting to date again. Be prepared. Don’t get back into dating until you feel you are ready. If you start and find yourself still not over the previous relationship then stop dating till you are ready. If need be, find someone who you can speak to about the issues. You just may need to take a short break.
There is a fine line between having realistic relationship expectations and being open to whatever comes your way. Therefore, keeping an open mind while still remembering what’s truly important to you in a relationship is ideal.