Jewish Dating Blog | The inside scoop – Jewish Dating wisdom from the Matchmaker

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 Being a scientist, I love to look at things with a scientific eye every once in awhile. I remeber when I first heard of the love hormones called Phermones. These are hormones excreted by animals as well as humans when they are in “love”. I thought I would bring a little article about the chemistry of love that I found on line that talks about the role that different nerotransmitters play in love. The link is as follows for the whole article, I will just paste part of it.

The Chemistry of Love

There are a lot of chemicals racing around your brain and body when you’re in love. Researchers are gradually learning more and more about the roles they play both when we are falling in love and when we’re in long-term relationships. Of course, estrogen and testosterone play a role in the sex drive area (see How Sex Works). Without them, we might never venture into the “real love” arena.That initial giddiness that comes when we’re first falling in love includes a racing heart, flushed skin and sweaty palms. Researchers say this is due to the dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine we’re releasing. Dopamine is thought to be the “pleasure chemical,” producing a feeling of bliss. Norepinephrine is similar to adrenaline and produces the racing heart and excitement. According to Helen Fisher, anthropologist and well-known love researcher from Rutgers University, together these two chemicals produce elation, intense energy, sleeplessness, craving, loss of appetite and focused attention. She also says, “The human body releases the cocktail of love rapture only when certain conditions are met and … men more readily produce it than women, because of their more visual nature.”

Researchers are using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) to watch people’s brains when they look at a photograph of their object of affection. According to Helen Fisher, a well-known love researcher and an anthropologist at Rutgers University, what they see in those scans during that “crazed, can’t-think-of-anything-but stage of romance” — the attraction stage — is the biological drive to focus on one person. The scans showed increased blood flow in areas of the brain with high concentrations of receptors for dopamine — associated with states of euphoria, craving and addiction. High levels of dopamine are also associated with norepinephrine, which heightens attention, short-term memory, hyperactivity, sleeplessness and goal-oriented behavior. In other words, couples in this stage of love focus intently on the relationship and often on little else.

Another possible explanation for the intense focus and idealizing view that occurs in the attraction stage comes from researchers at University College London. They discovered that people in love have lower levels of serotonin and also that neural circuits associated with the way we assess others are suppressed. These lower serotonin levels are the same as those found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders, possibly explaining why those in love “obsess” about their partner.

Lee Ann Obringer.  “How Love Works”.  February 12, 2005  http://people.howstuffworks.comlove6.htm  (August 30, 2007)

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Do you find yourself in the office 12+ hours a day? Do you work 7 days a week? Are you always on your phone speaking to someone in the office? Have you ever been accused of being a workaholic?

I am glad you found a job that you love, that you put so much time and effort into but then what about putting some time and effort into your personal relationships and looking for that special someone. Some of you are so super intelligent that I know that if you put just half of the time you put into work into your love life that you would find that special someone.

What does this mean? It means calling the person that you are matched up within a day or two of receiving their number. It means e-mailing the matchmakers and being in touch with us about matches and other important information. It also means giving each match a 100% and really trying to see if this person is for you. There are also many ways offline that you can do to help you find that match. All it takes is some commitment to the idea. Just like you go to the gym each day, spend sometime each day working on your love life. I promise you it is much more enjoyable then work in the end :)

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You meet someone, and the first few weeks/months are exciting, you are constantly trying to do things for each other, impress each other, you are keeping the relationship ALIVE.

But after a while you start feeling that the relationship may not have the same “spark” as it did at the beginning, is it that the relationship isn’t working out? Not all all. But, by this point you are realizing that you are both falling into a routine. Where you may have constantly been together now, you have to go back to reality, work, friends and family.

How are we to keep the relationship alive. Even in marriage, the sparks can go out.

You want to find ways to be spontaneous, plan nights out together. It can be a romantic getaway or just a walk in the park. Give each other a romantic card, and plan a evening around it. Maybe just go for ice cream, or a nice dinner.

The main thing is, try not to get caught up in the daily routine and forget about each other, make time together. This is especially important if there are children involved in the relationship from a previous marriage. You may want to include the children in everything to get to know them and for them to know you. Make sure you have alone time, without them as well.

Remember, the first steps to improving on this, is realizing that you need it, so go out and work to keep your relationsip ALIVE…

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This comes from my husband: have a back-up plan if things don’t work out well on your date.

What was my husbands – A Ball Hockey game, came on our first date in sweats and a torn shirt, wasn’t to impressed with the wardrobe, but I married him anyways. No, he didn’t have to use his get away. He mentioned he had to play at 9:30pm, at 10:00 I asked him he he was going to the game, he said NO and we still laugh about it today.

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Be happy with yourself

When you are dating the usual story you hear from men/woman to scare them off is.

1. The C and M word


2. My Biological clock is ticking

Why rush these things. Don’t make the person feel that you are desperate, that could just scare them off. I hear so many times, that when do people actually meet someone? It’s when they are so content with themselves. It’s when the other person may not ‘see’ that desperate side.

Relax more, take it easy. Enjoy each other, but most important find out who you are, and enjoy yourself. If you are not happy then this will come through when you are meeting people. If you love to travel, don’t wait go do it. Theatre, concerts, why not even if you go by yourself. Start enjoying the things you like to do. This will help you when dating, how? Because when you like yourself, so will others

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Jewish Dating – Say Yes..

As a matchmaker I hear all the time, reasons for declining matches. Some of the reasons are fairly “lame”. Why not give each other a chance, we keep saying don’t just judge the photo’s or profile you have to meet the person to really find out who they are, as long as there are some similiarities then why not just  meet the person.

I had someone tell me they declined a match because the person had the same name as there father. They didn’t even read further. When I mentioned that this person was really interested, and to have a look, they agreed to check things out again. They ended up going out a few times, but at least they gave it a chance.

How many times to you hear a story of the way people meet, or that they would have never gone out because they were so different, but someone suggested it so they figured why not?

My husband and I are so different but we gave it a chance, and we are very happily married, our differences work it out. 

Don’t say no so quickly. You just never know how or when you will meet your future partner. say YES for a change.

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When I starting dating seriously in my 20′s I had certain expectations of the type of person I would go out with. As I got older, this changed. When I reached my late 30′s and was still single, I looked around and starting questioning if I was to picky.

Well, now I say I just had to wait for the right person. It took me till I was 39 to find him. I always said if I met someone divorced with kids, he had to be in a position to support me, our children, and his from the previous marriage. When I met the person, who is now my husband, divorced, 2 children, he was between jobs and wasn’t really sure the direction he wanted. What changed? Communication, attraction, and a personal tragedy in my life, and he was there for me every step of the way, which changed my life, and his forever.

If this tragedy didn’t occur, I probably wouldn’t have seen some of the qualities that I wanted, I would have looked at the fact that he was not in a position to support a new family and his other one. Don’t wait for the tragedy. Look at the person you are with, and ask yourself will they be there for you no matter what happens in your life. If you answer yes..then maybe stop looking for someone else, maybe you have found the person you need to be with.

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I know this is a subject that no one really wants to consider, and one that has been discussed before. But, it should be, spoken about again.  Sometimes it is very difficult to meet someone in your own community, especially depending on where you are living. Relocation is very difficult, but if you want to meet someone, you may have to consider all options.

Think about it, if you where on vacation and met someone that you felt was the right person, would you think twice about pursuing the relationship? Probably not. Some things to think about for all of you.

Depending on who the higher earner is, maybe the other person can make the move. Or who has the career that they can find another position for similar amount of earning potential? For some communter marriages work for awhile as well.

Just keep your options open.

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Dating for some people is difficult. We grow up thinking of marriage and children, spending time as a family, and then our later years enjoying our children, and our life, maybe traveling or spending time with our spouses.

But today so many of us are getting married later, we have spent the first years traveling, and now having the children in our 30-40′s makes us realize that are “older age” will be with our teenagers. This is not exactly what our dreams where.

But it is happening more and more. As you get older your expectations of your partner will change as well. What one would have expected for a spouse when they were in there 20′s, well now in your 30-40′s  it may have become a very different person. You have to go with this, you may think that you are like the person you where, but let’s face it as one get’s older so does the body and mind. One can still act young, but it does catch up.

I can speak from experience, so I am not just saying this, I feel very young, but in my late 40′s, and have the young kids still, I don’t have the energy that I use to, I will be a parent of teenagers in my 50′s and marrying off my kids when I am in the 60′s. I have realized this, it is not ideal, but getting married later in years that’s what happens.

Open yourself up, so many men say they won’t date woman in there 40′s because they want kids, men get real woman in there 20-30′s don’t usually want men over 10 years older. If you still want children, so do many woman who are older as well. There are options out there today. Don’t wait around for the “young woman” so you can be a father, you may never have the opportunity then

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I don’t know about you but I always kind of dreaded the first phone call. Sure I was excited to get a chance to meet a new person but I never knew who was going to be on the other line. In general, I truly believe that first phone calls should never be longer then 10 minutes. It should just be used as a way to introduce yourselves and talk about a time to meet for coffee or drinks. There are exceptions of course for people who are long distance and they can’t meet up in a few days. I don’t believe the first phone call should be an interview. Some of us actually are not comfortable on the phone and my not come across so smoothly.What should you talk about? I recommend looking at the person’s profile before calling and find a few points of interest to talk about, like what he/she does for living, where they grew up, or find something that you have in common and briefly talk about that. Also have in mind a few places that you can meet up in for a simple drink/coffee that way when you ask to meet up you will be prepared which will make the plans easier to make.Try to be yourself as much as possible and keep things light. Don’t ever talk about past relationships or any difficulties you are having in your life at that moment. This is not a friend you are talking to and you don’t know each other well enough to share very intimate details.Good luck!  

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