CAT | Uncategorized
What does it take for some people to meet? Photo’s, profile’s, well this is great, but if you don’t see or read what you like, it is very easy to just decline or say no. By doing this you may be loosing out on meeting you potential match.
Does it hurt to just say say yes! Meet up – face to face is so much easier to really see if you are compatible. If distance is a issue, then at least speak to each other before you make a final decision.
Sometimes you may not be ready for a match, or you receive some information on someone, and you decide at that time you are not ready. Who is to say that if/when things change for you that you can’t reconsider later on. Keep all option open.
Circumstance’s can change, or it may even be a time in your life when you are willing to open yourself up just a little more to someone that you may have not considered yesterday. Go for it, that person may just be right for you.
You have started to date, it is one thing to read up or speak to people about the dating process, and to use the blogs, and the books out there on the market to help guide you.
But, if you need the books, because you have no idea about the whole dating process, then maybe you should wait till you are a little more mature or get a little street-smart before going out.
Dating is serious, and some of you may not be ready, don’t let parental or peer pressure guide you, especially when you are young and dating for a serious relationship towards marriage. If you are not mature enough to date, then you are no where ready to get married and deal with all the “adult decisions”.
I read this and thought I would share it with you:
Personal Experiences From Our Readers` Author: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis
Special Note: A few weeks ago, I published a letter from a single woman who was in conflict as to whether or not she should accept a marriage proposal from a man whom she described as “kind, smart, but nerdy”. Subsequently, I have received many letters from our readers who wrote of their own experiences. The following is just one of them:
First, I want to thank you for all your hard work and writings. I am a sixty-five year old Jewish woman, and although I am not a member of the Orthodox community, I love reading your column and advice to the people who write in because I find it so inspiring.
I felt the need to write because I empathize with the two “youngish” single women who have written recently. Both are confused as to whether to accept proposals from nice, religious men who are either “nerdy” or too slight of build. They say they don’t feel the “magic” they believe they are supposed to feel. Although I understand their dilemma, I laughed out loud at the incongruity of the situation. You see, I was once one of those youngish women, and now that I’ve had time to put things in perspective. I was really laughing at my former self.
I began dating in high school and always wanted to marry young and have a large family. I was slender, pretty and popular and I assumed that finding the man of my dreams would be easy. It wasn’t until my early twenties however, that I became committed to raising a Jewish family. At twenty-two, I thought I had met “the one”. He was older than me, an attorney, and Jewish. I thought the sun rose and set on him, and I felt more “magic” than they have in Disneyland. What more could one ask for? I spent five years hoping we’d marry, but he was afraid to make that commitment because his first marriage had been very traumatic. I wasn’t bitter toward him (after a while), and we remained good friends, but I had to move on and find the one with whom I could raise a family. I resumed dating, but the scene was much like the young woman described – the same singles going to endless parties until you could smell the desperation in the air. I compared everyone to my first boyfriend and none could compete. I was almost tempted to go back to him since he lived just a few blocks away.
So I left the East coast and moved to California at age twenty-nine. Here, people were less judgmental about my age or the fact that I was still single. However, finding marriage-minded Jewish men was not a simple task. Finally, I met Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach and joined the community of “hippies” who davened at the House of Love and Prayer in San Francisco. There was a synagogue on the first floor and two apartments upstairs – one for women and one for men. Anyone could “crash” (find a place to stay) here. Although Shlomo himself wasn’t there often, there were other rabbis who came to teach as well as countless young people who were visiting from Israel or other parts of the U.S. I never saw so many single Jewish men in one place. And they were looking for wives! I was sure I would find someone here….I watched as my new friends paired off and were married. Then the babies started to arrive. Of course, I was happy for everyone, but when would it be my turn? There were men I liked, but they didn’t like me in the same way. And there were men who liked me, but I just didn’t feel the “magic” or the “special connection” that Hollywood has trained young people in our society into thinking they should feel.
After I had lived in the community for two and a half years, many of its members moved to the East coast or to Israel and the House of Love and Prayer was closed.. I joined a Sephardic shul that had many young people in the congregation. I fell “head over heels” for a young man and we became engaged. Our wedding date was announced to the congregation and my fiancé provided a seudah. Finally, I thought – this was it by this time, I was thirty-three years old. However, it was not to be. I discovered that the young man had misrepresented some important facts about himself and our relationship deteriorated. I learned that I couldn’t trust him. How could I have been so gullible? I began blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with me. Why did my dream of a happy family life only happen to other people?
I’m a very determined person (okay – so I’m stubborn) and I couldn’t imagine giving up. So after a recuperation period and some therapy, I began dating again. I moved in with my best friend and her husband (I had introduced them) and their little daughter, so I didn’t feel so alone. My friend’s husband is a rabbi although he was employed in another field. He likes to give advice and I listened to him. He helped me see that some of my preconceived, romantic notions were causing me to overlook the good qualities in others. I began to realize that some qualities on my “must have” list weren’t important. Just in time, too, I was now thirty-seven years old.
A short time later, I met a young man at an organization where we were doing volunteer work. When I say young, I mean it! He was twenty five years old. He asked me to go out for coffee afterward. I only said yes because I had nothing planned that afternoon and didn’t feel like going straight home. I didn’t feel attracted to him – he was about two inches taller than me – too short in my opinion, and I knew he was younger than me. But he seemed eager and I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything if I were nice to him.
We went to a vegan restaurant and he offered to buy me lunch. We drank carrot juice and when my glass was empty he offered to get me a second. “He’s awfully nice”, I thought to myself. Then, he told me he’d had a crush on me for weeks! He asked me if I would go out with him. I thought his behavior was cute, and I was flattered that he liked me, but had decided never to date anyone younger because my previous boyfriend (the one to whom I’d been engaged) was younger than me. I wanted someone mature. He said, “Well if the age difference doesn’t matter to me, who should it matter to you?” I realized that my own obstinate notions could cause me to miss a great opportunity and I decided to get out of my own way and see what happened. What had I to lose? The worst thing that could happen was that I’d be disappointed, and I had already learned how to deal with that.
We began dating, and I told myself “I’ll just keep seeing him as long as things are going well and see what happens.” We got along very well and seemed to enjoy the same things and have the same values. We saw each other every day and on the 16th day, he asked me to marry him! I was taken aback at first, and told him I needed some time to think about it.
After a month, he asked me again. This time, I said “yes.” We were married six months later under a chuppah in Golden Gate Park. He wanted a large wedding so we invited about 300 people. My best friend was matron of honor and her husband, the rabbi, “gave me away” because my parents couldn`t attend. Their little daughter was the flower girl. What a joyous day it was!
Today, we`ve been married 27 years and have a 24-year-old son (born when I was 40). We are retired and our son is about to graduate from a prestigious university. We`ve had our “ups and downs” but have never forgotten our commitment to support each other. Of course, the things that were “wrong” with my sweet husband are still there – his neck is short, he is short, his grammar and spelling are bad, he eats too fast, – should I go on? But what does all that matter, when we are so happy together?
Rebbetzin, I hope you will forward this letter to those two young women who wrote you. You can publish it if you want to (although it`s rather long). Even though I`m from outside your community, I want to share my odyssey with others in the hope it will help some one see clearly when faced with this decision. I feel this is a situation many young people struggle with because the media has influenced us – even subconsciously- to value things that, in the long run, don`t really matter
When choosing a place for a first date, try to find a place where you can be comfortable in. Don’t go somewhere where there is loud music, the only thing you will be doing is trying to communicate over the noise. Movies, are good, you don’t spend time getting to know one another, even though some feel that at least you can have a conversation afterward about the film if nothing else clicks.
I always like the coffee (tea) date. Go to a nice local coffee place, they are usually quiet, can have a conversation to get to know each other, if things go well, can always go out somewhere else after to continue the conversation, and well, if not, how long does it take for a cup of coffee?
Just go as relaxed as possible, and try to have a conversation about general things, don’t get to intimate and ask really personal questions on a first date.
There is a fine line between having realistic relationship expectations and being open to whatever comes your way. Therefore, keeping an open mind while still remembering what’s truly important to you in a relationship is ideal.
Dating is not easy, nothing in life is. So work hard at it, just as you would with the challenge of looking for a new job.
Send out “feelers” = networking let everyone you know aware that you are looking to meet someone.
send out resumes = join dating sites and ‘post’ your profile on the site’s
and just keep on looking till you find the right one….
Over the years we have had, the Dating Game and now Bachelor and Bachelorette. I think they should have something called the “Waiting” Game.
For me getting married at 40 was a “Waiting” Game. Why the years of dating to find someone, the amount of blind dates, single’s events, friends calling me to say I have the perfect guy…
Well it was just to wait to finally meet my soul mate at 39 (married one year later). I wish I could have known that’s what it would have been and avoided so many first dates. But I waited and now, I am married. So my advise, play the “Waiting” game and hopefully for you as it was for me, it will be worth it.
I just read this story and thought it was worth passing on to you. Some problems with internet dating…you just never know who you are really speaking with.
Friday December 9, 2005By Grace Green
MARSEILLES, France — Skirt-chasing playboy Daniel Anceneaux spent weeks talking with a sensual woman on the Internet before arranging a romantic rendezvous at a remote beach — and discovering that his on-line sweetie of six months was his own mother!
“I walked out on that dark beach thinking I was going to hook up with the girl of my dreams,” the rattled bachelor later admitted. “And there she was, wearing white shorts and a pink tank top, just like she’d said she would.
“But when I got close, she turned around — and we both got the shock of our lives. I mean, I didn’t know what to say. All I could think was, ‘Oh my God! it’s Mama!’ ”
But the worst was yet to come. Just as the mortified mother and son realized the error of their ways, a patrolman passed by and cited them for visiting a restricted beach after dark.
“Danny and I were so flustered, we blurted out the whole story to the cop,” recalled matronly mom Nicole, 52. “The policeman wrote a report, a local TV station got hold of it — and the next thing we knew, our picture and our story was all over the 6 o’clock news. “People started pointing and laughing at us on the street — and they haven’t stopped laughing since.”
The girl-crazy X-ray technician said he began flirting with normally straitlaced Nicole — who lives six miles away in a Marseilles suburb — while scouring the Internet for young ladies to put a little pizzazz in his life.
“Mom called herself Sweet Juliette and I called myself The Prince of Pleasure, and unfortunately, neither one of us had any idea who the other was,” said flabbergasted Daniel.
“The conversations even got a little racy a couple of times.
“But I really started to fall for her, because there seemed to be a sensitive side that you don’t see in many girls.
“She sent me poems she had written and told me about her dreams and desires, and it was really very romantic.
“The truth is, I got to see a side of my mom I’d never seen before. I’m grateful for that.”
When starry-eyed Daniel asked Sweet Juliette to send him a picture, Nicole e-mailed him a photo of a curvy, half-clad cutie she’d scanned from a men’s magazine.
“The girl in the picture was so beautiful, I begged Juliette to meet me on the beach — and Mom said yes,” he recalled. “Mom says she was falling for me, too, and she just wanted to meet me, even though she knew I’d be disappointed when I saw her.
“As for me, I figured I was going to find the girl of my dreams.
“I guess that’s about as wrong as I’ve ever been.”
Daniel admits he and his mother could do little but stammer and stutter around each other for days after their cyberspace exploits came to light. And his father Paul — Nicole’s husband of 27 years — wasn’t too happy when the story hit the news and his beer-drinking buddies made him the butt of their jokes.
“Dad was ticked for a while and he forbid Mom to talk to anybody on the Internet ever again,” said embarrassed Daniel.
What next. I have said I have the 3 date rule. By then you should get an idea if this is someone you would want to pursue or not. Some people may need a few more. If you are wanting marriage, and the intent is that, especially as you get older if you see that 6 months has gone by and you haven’t discussed this topic, then I say it is time to move on.
Don’t continue in a relationship if you see it is not going anywhere, or if you are getting the ” I need more time”. It is time to really think, and see if it is time to walk. I believe the longer you “think” it means that it is probably not the right person for you.