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In Jewish Dating – or dating in general we all get so worked up for the first date, and are quite nervous. The more you go out the easier it may get. But here are a few tips which can hopefully make it a little easier for you
1. Prepare yourself: Not necessarily of what you will do but first step is to get to know the person a little better. Spend a few times speaking on the phone, emailing, and if it is distance SKPEing. Ask questions that the information will lead to what you want to know about the person. The fact finding, or us some call it especially the first few calls – the airplance conversation, basic information about each other to keep the conversation going.
Once you see that you share the same thoughts on things that are important to you – family, fun, children, and religious outlook decide on a time and date to meet.
2. Place for First Date: Make it an open area, a place you can sit and have a cup of coffee ( or a drink) light meal, or can walk around. This is not the time to make a impression on how lavish you get get and being creative or how much money you spend. This is finding out if you have enough in common to go out again. Try to make it a place where you know the area, so you won’t get lost. If you are coming from completely different areas you may suggest meeting up at the spot .
3. Dress: Nice but don’t overdue it – men casual – woman if you know there is a chance to be walking wear suitable shoes. If you will be outdoors dress appropriately for the weather.
4. Time: If you meet and things go well – it would be perfect if you choose the time to beable to be together longer – but also decide what is suitable if things don’t go well. You don’t want to have a whole night of acitivities planned if things don’t go well. With time – make sure you are on time – and if you are late – call the person don’t text. Yes the way of modern technology is to text first – but what impression is this. As well if the phone is in a purse or a pocket the text may not be looked at.
5. On the actual date: If things are not going well – still be as respectful as possible – try to make the best of it. If the person is not your “look” or personality fine, but still be civil. You never know, the person can be for someone else that you may know. If you met through a on-line site like Sawyouatsinai or Jretromatch they even have a “button” on the match called suggest a match.
6. Ending the Date: End on a good note even if you are not for each other say something nice about each – be positive or don’t say anything at all. If you want to see each other – suggest to get together again and then call – if not don’t say you do but don’t follow-up.
7. Follow-up: If you enjoyed yourself and feel there is enough that you would like to go out again, next day send of an email. Very informal, just saying you enjoyed the time, and meeting you. For the guy - if you want to pursue the match then call within a few days. Don’t wait too long. Or if you see schedule is busy then at least email and mention this.
Just try to enjoy yourselves -
I thought I would share an article I came read recently about “Digital Dating” great tips that I hope will help you.
Six Rules for Digital Dating
Sage advice from Aish.com’s dating experts.
by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.
- “If he’s in Oregon and I’m in Chicago, can we have our first few dates over Skype before we decide to meet each other in person?”
- “When someone suggests a woman for me to date, I check her Facebook page before deciding yes or no. What do you think of this?”
- “I once texted a guy for six hours and felt we had an incredible connection. I never heard from him again. How can I keep this from happening the next time?”
- “How can I know someone I’m emailing is a safe person to date, or that he’s not married, in prison, or too socially awkward to ever meet?”
Technology has fundamentally altered the way we communicate. We can send messages, update our social network, and share in a world-full of information with one click of a mouse.
But all this comes at a price. Because we’re accustomed to communicating in 140 characters or less, we expect that an “instant” connection will lead to an instant relationship. What happens fast is often superficial, and we are losing the ability to develop a relationship gradually and move it to the next step.
Relationships that are meant to endure don’t instantly materialize. They take time to nurture and develop, and if we don’t have the tools and patience, a relationship that holds genuine promise will likely end up nowhere.
Daters who are serious about developing a meaningful relationship are advised to follow these six rules:
The attention directed toward your date has been shattered.
(1) No digital diversions. When you’re on a date, don’t text or email anyone, or answer a text or chat message. Your Blackberry or smartphone should be turned off and put out of sight. Similarly, keep your cellphone off (no, “silent mode” is insufficient). You may feel the need to be connected and available every moment of the day, but that prevents you from connecting to the person sitting across the table. If you allow these outside distractions to enter your “dating space,” the energy and attention that you’re supposed to be directing exclusively toward your date has been shattered. That’s bound to give a bad first impression – and build resentment at any stage of the relationship.
(2) No over-texting. Texting is a great way to say, “Bus running late. Meet u in 20 min.” It’s not a substitute for spoken communication. If our default communication is texts, tweets and Facebook posts, we might think we know a lot about the person and are growing closer.
This is a false sense of intimacy, because the texts and tweets don’t convey the sender’s tone or mood. We can’t really get to know someone without spending time together – sharing experiences, observing body language, facial expressions, and engaging in a face-to-face exchange of ideas and feelings. These are essential, intangible elements of social interaction. We don’t know if the personal chemistry is in sync, or if we are capable of having a real-time conversation.
Use texting only for short messages about where and when to meet, sudden changes of plans, or a quick “Hi, thinking of you” on a day that you’re not seeing each other.
(3) Don’t delay the first live meeting. It’s fine to exchange basic information online, but as soon as you get a sense this might be a good person to meet, follow up on their references and arrange for a meeting. When two people “date online” for months, without arranging to meet, they may feel as if they’re personally relating. Yet often when they finally do meet for the first time, they are disappointed that the other person doesn’t look, sound, or act like the mental picture they’ve developed. And often, the dissonance between that “image” and the reality is too large to overcome – and they are blocked from ever being able to accept the other person.
(4) Don’t use email as a substitute for going on dates. Once you’ve met, email may be a good way to keep in touch when you can’t interact in person, but the way to build a relationship is through live conversation. Skype and video chat are good alternatives when geographic distance precludes seeing each other often, but they cannot replace face-to-face dating. Even something as simple as planning a date should be done on the telephone; firing off a quick text message might be perceived as treating the whole date too flippantly.
(5) Don’t rely exclusively on social networking sites. The web is a good way to get a general idea of whether or not to date someone. But a two-dimensional photo doesn’t capture what a person really looks like, and reading a profile doesn’t give enough information about what they’re really like. Find out information about a potential date the old fashioned way – by talking to people who know them. Otherwise, you might waste a lot of time emailing someone with an appealing Facebook page, but who is far from what you’re looking for. Alternatively, you might pass up a great opportunity.
(6) Don’t break up electronically. Yes, it’s hard telling someone, “It was nice to meet you, but I don’t think this is going to work out.” But a virtual break-up is much more hurtful to the other party. If you’ve ever been at the receiving end of such a text message or email, you know the feeling.
So while technology has dramatically increased the quantity of information exchange, it has undeniably undermined the quality. It also negatively affects our attention spans, which means those trying to develop a connection may have a hard time sustaining meaningful conversation. They’re accustomed to communicating in short spurts, rather than taking the time to explore a subject in-depth, understand and convey emotions, and engage in a prolonged exchange of thoughts and ideas.
So when it comes to dating, try to get out of that instant-message mindset. It may be a bit “old-fashioned,” but it is essential to building a successful, long-term relationship and marriage.
Jewish Dating On-Line many people are trying it to meet that special someone – as a Matchmaker we hear -”we want to meet someone with this type of personality, or someone who is sensitive, caring considerate. Not “cheap”. Certain personality traits can not be found out by a phone call. Even though our service – Jretromatch - has at least one benefit over some of the other sites, as we actually speak with our members to get a better “sense” of who they are, we still may not “pick-up” certain character traits that so many people are asking us for.
Were on-line dating may not be the perfect situation for everyone, it can be the first step for introduction. What was blind-dating so many years ago, at least now you have the opportunity to review a brief profile, and photo’s prior to accept a match.
I still find though, that with on-line dating people become more “picky” because they have the profile they can reveiw and decide by just a short few paragraphs if this person is for them. Unless there is really very specific things mentioned – how they want to raise a family, political orientation that may be so different then your own, a specific trait that you don’t get along with – why not accept the potential match. A phone call is the next step, and then you can discuss certain issues that are important to you – and find out if there could be more potential.
In Jewish Dating – I some times believe that the Orthodox community has a better outlook on dating. When you find out that someone has gotten engaged only after 3-10 dates…how could this be, how can someone consider marriage after such a short time, how can someone really know a person after only a few dates, how…
Well, the dating is different, the discussion is values, what you want and see for your future, is this person good, kind, considerate. Yes there may even be checking the people out before they go out to see if there is potential for this match.
The dating is not spending two years ( or more) going out and having fun, dinner dates, social activities, vacations together to see if we can live together”. Take this out of the picture – during this time – you may have fun, travel around, but are you also speaking with each other, and figuring out if you have the same “plans”, expectations of what you want in a marriage?
Dating is difficult, no matter how you go out and search for your partner. But before you actual date, really decide why are you dating. Is it for a casual relationship – to have the fun with someone so you are not on your own? Or is it to meet your future partner? When you really decide why you want to date, then when it come’s to on-line dating or any other method, don’t “kid” yourself, you may actual have met and because you where to “picky” they are no longer available.
I read so many profile’s being a matchmaker and everyone always speak about what there ideal match should be. But what if your ideal match is not what you think s/he should be?
If I wrote a profile of what I was looking for when I was single it would be something like this…
Energenic, fun, spontaneous woman who loves travel, the outdoors, exploring and going off the beaten track. Enjoys hiking, skiing, and is open to try anything once, except for bungee jumping. Is not really into music, but do enjoy it when I hear it and have to say I am a little bit county and rock and roll…enjoys dancing, dinner’s out, good conversation. Is Modern Orthodox/Conservadox, wears pants and is not planning on covering her hair. Loves Shabbat and the traditions of Judaism. Spending time with family and friends. Have a huge extended family that are very close, and even though we live far apart we all do our best to stay in touch. Loves kids, and hoping to have a few. Sometimes I feels like one , and will do silly things that are unexpected. Enjoys life, and is very independant
Looking for similar, but if not you are willing to, and we can find ways to compromise. If you are not religious that is fine, as long as you are willing to take on some, if you are divorced/with or without children, hopefully you have secure employment. Career doesn’t matter, but being employed does, with a position for your kids and ours, and together we can work it out.
Have no set physical expectations as long as when we meet the chemistry can grow. Lets meet and see how it goes.
Okay reality: Found my partner.
He loves to stay at home, has no desire to travel or experience anything new. Keeps in touch with some of his family but with the extended family rarely knows what they are doing. When we met he was between jobs, and no real profession, had just left the police force after 20 years and was going from job to job, security – LOL – NONE. Relgious: We where pretty much on the same level so that was good. He was divorced with 2 children, and no job. Not into going out, did I mention just likes to be home. Hiking, skiing, travel…in his mind it is a waste of time.
Today: Happily married – we have 2 children – that where adopted ( that is a whole other story), we are close to his children as well – but distance makes it difficult. When I want to do things usually take the kids and we have a great time. He stays at home. Haven’t skiied in 8 years. Travel – we moved to Israel away from family and close friends, so our travel is to visit everyone. I will now attempt to book trips with a stopover so we can get a chance to see another country – or an airport and we can say we where there. Next stop Kiev.
I love to go out, I just say we are going and he will agree – but his preference is a dinner in the house with the kids. Hiking – places to visit around the county – he usually views it from my photo’s.
But we have made it work..oh..religion. We are Shomer Shabbat – don’t eat out in non-kosher restaurants, I have stopped wearing pants, and do cover my hair.
So my suggestion to all of you. Ideal matches – forget it, meet someone who is nice, supportive, who together you can work everything out – compromise and make it work. Otherwise – I guess you will remain single.
If you are open to meet – the try the many on-line dating sites,
Caption reads – Due to his pioneering work with mouthwash no one dared to tell him about his own breath
So this may be a little extreme but this is a serious topic to discuss. When you are going out on a date - take care of yourself personally. You want to look good, but also remember you will be sitting next to this person and want to impress them. This could be the first date and you would hope it would lead to others.
Prepare yourself – If you are a person that normally doesn’t use deordorant – maybe consider some. Brush your teeth, shower and wash your hair then comb it. Dress nicely, don’t mean fancy, just clean clothes that have recently been washed.
If you are not sure – look around you and ask a friend – for assistance. Dating is serious – and if you are serious about it then prepare yourself in every possible way.
If you have a friend that you feel can use some help then I recommend you discussing this topic with them, at first they really may not appreciate it but in the long run I am sure you are doing them a great favour.
When you are ready to date, there are many options out there in Jewish Dating - use ever resource available to you.
We are all looking for the ideal match – (or for some looked) – but will we find it. I think this sums it up – and for the person who gave it me if you are reading the Blog - I thank you
“It is probably better to get a Good man/(woman) w/ a Good soul, than to try to obtain a perfect match on paper”
Is it Jewish Dating so difficult – or dating in general. The answer – dating in general. Putting two people together – it is hard enough to meet someone, and when you do – figure out if they are someone you would like to see again.
Wouldn’t it be easy if we can meet a person, and let it just happen easily – but for some reason it is not easy. Dating, and figuring out how to meet is hard work – just like so many things in our life. SO look at dating as one more challenge in our life..and just to let you know – when you do meet – it is more difficult to keep the relationship together.
Oh. why can’t things be easy????
Okay this is something we hear all the time when trying to make matches.
“We are so different” – why would you even think about this as a potential partner..know why ???
Let me tell you…I am married 9 years now – and I really don’t know too many things that my husband and I are compatible with.
We went on a trip the other day with my daughters and 200 other people. It was amazing – a wonderful hike in an incredible Canyon – it was so beaufiful – as we where walking though – his comment – “okay why are we doing this…”
Then a Jeep Tour through the Desert – we are driving through – to me it was so amazing to have the opportunity to experience this, him – no animals – same scenery…”are we having fun yet..”
Then another incredible experience - a Bedoin telling stories in the tent and enjoying Tea and snacks then a Camel ride..(okay the camel ride I can understand – a little difficult for men to be in the saddle) – but what a day.
(Yes I live in Israel)…but to be able to take a trip like this and in one day have the experience’s we did..his comments – are we having fun…why are we doing this…
Vacation’s I love them – to experience new things – get away what ever we do I look at as an experience, and to open my (our) eyes to new things..he is happy at home.
It is not only activities..child rearing, music, he likes being at home, me I need to go out and explore, have fun ..
Yes we are different and I question how and why we are together – but we are together and happily married, yes we have our differences but we work it out, and make it work. Just because you may not be with someone who is “compatible” doesn’t mean it won’t work. Sometime’s we have to open up and really look at other qualities that the person has. What was it for me..I know what ever happens he will be there for me – in sickness, for me and my family, he is supportive – and will encourage me – and HE IS THERE FOR ME..
So figure out what you really want – and what is important to you, you may be surprised..
Let’s be real, if you expect, tall, dark, handsome, extremely wealthly, and you are not willing to leave your own city, unless it is to vacation – with him to some exotic place, the chances of meeting someone like this, next to NIL.
Especially, if on the first phone call, you ask, how much do you earn, where do you live, and what do you look like.
If these are your expectations – I say look at yourself, are you this as well?
It is time to be realistic. The person, if this is what you want, then I say network in your own circles, this is probably not what you will find on a dating site.
I will tell you a little story – A young couple was engaged. He was from very wealthy family. They went to look for the engagement ring in New York City diamond industry, if you live in New York you can relate. She kept on looking, he would point something out to her, she would look, try on, and say – no, a little different, a little bigger stone. They moved to the next counter, and the next, this continued to happen, no a little better quality, bigger stone…
Finally, he looked at her, and said, if this is what you think, the engagements is off, it’s my parents money and not mine. He walked out of the area, leaving her standing there. Moral of the story – don’t only look what is in the pockets, or what you think is. Look for the person, what they can offer you. How they treat you and others.
Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. “An important part of a compatible relationship is assuring that each partner’s values coincide, and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues,” says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work, at Hope College in Holland, MI. So, don’t write someone off — or fall head over heels — until you’ve done due diligence.