We are all looking for the ideal match – (or for some looked) – but will we find it. I think this sums it up – and for the person who gave it me if you are reading the Blog - I thank you

 “It is probably better to get a Good man/(woman) w/ a Good soul, than to try to obtain a perfect match on paper”

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Is it Jewish Dating so difficult – or dating in general. The answer – dating in general. Putting two people together – it is hard enough to meet someone, and when you do – figure out if they are someone you would like to see again.

Wouldn’t it be easy if we can meet a person, and let it just happen easily – but for some reason it is not easy. Dating, and figuring out how to meet is hard work – just like so many things in our life. SO look at dating as one more challenge in our life..and just to let you know – when you do meet – it is more difficult to keep the relationship together.

Oh. why can’t things be easy????

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Okay this is something we hear all the time when trying to make matches.

“We are so different” – why would you even think about this as a potential partner..know why ???

 Let me tell you…I am married 9 years now – and I really don’t know too many things that my husband and I are compatible with.

We went on a trip the other day with my daughters and 200 other people. It was amazing – a wonderful hike in an incredible Canyon – it was so beaufiful – as we where walking though – his comment – “okay why are we doing this…”

Then a Jeep Tour through the Desert – we are driving through – to me it was so amazing to have the opportunity to experience this, him – no animals – same scenery…”are we having fun yet..”

Then another incredible experience -  a Bedoin telling stories in the tent and enjoying Tea and snacks then a Camel ride..(okay the camel ride I can understand – a little difficult for men to be in the saddle) – but what a day.

(Yes I live in Israel)…but to be able to take a trip like this and in one day have the experience’s we did..his comments – are we having fun…why are we doing this…

Vacation’s I love them – to experience new things – get away what ever we do I look at as an experience, and to open my (our) eyes to new things..he is happy at home.

It is not only activities..child rearing, music, he likes being at home, me I need to go out and explore, have fun ..

Yes we are different and I question how and why we are together – but we are together and happily married, yes we have our differences but we work it out, and make it work. Just because you may not be with someone who is “compatible” doesn’t mean it won’t work. Sometime’s we have to open up and really look at other qualities that the person has. What was it for me..I know what ever happens he will be there for me – in sickness, for me and my family, he is supportive – and will encourage me – and HE IS THERE FOR ME..

So figure out what you really want – and what is important to you, you may be surprised..

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Let’s be real, if you expect, tall, dark, handsome, extremely wealthly, and you are not willing to leave your own city, unless it is to vacation – with him to some exotic place, the chances of meeting someone like this, next to NIL.

Especially, if on the first phone call, you ask, how much do you earn, where do you live, and what do you look like.

If these are your expectations – I say look at yourself, are you this as well?

It is time to be realistic. The person, if this is what you want, then I say network in your own circles, this is probably not what you will find on a dating site.

I will tell you a little story – A young couple was engaged. He was from very wealthy family. They went to look for the engagement ring in New York City diamond industry, if you live in New York you can relate. She kept on looking, he would point something out to her, she would look, try on, and say – no, a little different, a little bigger stone. They moved to the next counter, and the next, this continued to happen, no a little better quality, bigger stone…

Finally, he looked at her, and said, if this is what you think, the engagements is off, it’s my parents money and not mine. He walked out of the area, leaving her standing there. Moral of the story – don’t only look what is in the pockets, or what you think is. Look for the person, what they can offer you. How they treat you and others.

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Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. “An important part of a compatible relationship is assuring that each partner’s values coincide, and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues,” says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work, at Hope College in Holland, MI. So, don’t write someone off — or fall head over heels — until you’ve done due diligence.

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What does it take for some people to meet? Photo’s, profile’s, well this is great, but if you don’t see or read what you like, it is very easy to just decline or say no. By doing this you may be loosing out on meeting you potential match.

Does it hurt to just say say yes! Meet up – face to face is so much easier to really see if you are compatible. If distance is a issue, then at least speak to each other before you make a final decision.

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Sometimes you may not be ready for a match, or you receive some information on someone, and you decide at that time you are not ready. Who is to say that if/when things change for you that you can’t reconsider later on. Keep all option open.

Circumstance’s can change, or it may even be a time in your life when you are willing to open yourself up just a little more to someone that you may have not considered yesterday. Go for it, that person may just be right for you.

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You have started to date, it is one thing to read up or speak to people about the dating process, and to use the blogs, and the books out there on the market to help guide you.

But, if you need the books, because you have no idea about the whole dating process, then maybe you should wait till you are a little more mature or get a little street-smart before going out.

Dating is serious, and some of you may not be ready, don’t let parental or peer pressure guide you, especially when you are young and dating for a serious relationship towards marriage. If you are not mature enough to date, then you are no where ready to get married and deal with all the “adult decisions”.

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I read this and thought I would share it with you:

Personal Experiences From Our Readers` Author: Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis

Special Note: A few weeks ago, I published a letter from a single woman who was in conflict as to whether or not she should accept a marriage proposal from a man whom she described as “kind, smart, but nerdy”. Subsequently, I have received many letters from our readers who wrote of their own experiences. The following is just one of them:

Dear Rebbetzin:

First, I want to thank you for all your hard work and writings. I am a sixty-five year old Jewish woman, and although I am not a member of the Orthodox community, I love reading your column and advice to the people who write in because I find it so inspiring.

I felt the need to write because I empathize with the two “youngish” single women who have written recently. Both are confused as to whether to accept proposals from nice, religious men who are either “nerdy” or too slight of build. They say they don’t feel the “magic” they believe they are supposed to feel. Although I understand their dilemma, I laughed out loud at the incongruity of the situation. You see, I was once one of those youngish women, and now that I’ve had time to put things in perspective. I was really laughing at my former self.

I began dating in high school and always wanted to marry young and have a large family. I was slender, pretty and popular and I assumed that finding the man of my dreams would be easy. It wasn’t until my early twenties however, that I became committed to raising a Jewish family. At twenty-two, I thought I had met “the one”. He was older than me, an attorney, and Jewish. I thought the sun rose and set on him, and I felt more “magic” than they have in Disneyland. What more could one ask for? I spent five years hoping we’d marry, but he was afraid to make that commitment because his first marriage had been very traumatic. I wasn’t bitter toward him (after a while), and we remained good friends, but I had to move on and find the one with whom I could raise a family. I resumed dating, but the scene was much like the young woman described – the same singles going to endless parties until you could smell the desperation in the air. I compared everyone to my first boyfriend and none could compete. I was almost tempted to go back to him since he lived just a few blocks away.

So I left the East coast and moved to California at age twenty-nine. Here, people were less judgmental about my age or the fact that I was still single. However, finding marriage-minded Jewish men was not a simple task. Finally, I met Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach and joined the community of “hippies” who davened at the House of Love and Prayer in San Francisco. There was a synagogue on the first floor and two apartments upstairs – one for women and one for men. Anyone could “crash” (find a place to stay) here. Although Shlomo himself wasn’t there often, there were other rabbis who came to teach as well as countless young people who were visiting from Israel or other parts of the U.S. I never saw so many single Jewish men in one place. And they were looking for wives! I was sure I would find someone here….I watched as my new friends paired off and were married. Then the babies started to arrive. Of course, I was happy for everyone, but when would it be my turn? There were men I liked, but they didn’t like me in the same way. And there were men who liked me, but I just didn’t feel the “magic” or the “special connection” that Hollywood has trained young people in our society into thinking they should feel.

After I had lived in the community for two and a half years, many of its members moved to the East coast or to Israel and the House of Love and Prayer was closed.. I joined a Sephardic shul that had many young people in the congregation. I fell “head over heels” for a young man and we became engaged. Our wedding date was announced to the congregation and my fiancé provided a seudah. Finally, I thought – this was it by this time, I was thirty-three years old. However, it was not to be. I discovered that the young man had misrepresented some important facts about himself and our relationship deteriorated. I learned that I couldn’t trust him. How could I have been so gullible? I began blaming myself and wondering what was wrong with me. Why did my dream of a happy family life only happen to other people?

I’m a very determined person (okay – so I’m stubborn) and I couldn’t imagine giving up. So after a recuperation period and some therapy, I began dating again. I moved in with my best friend and her husband (I had introduced them) and their little daughter, so I didn’t feel so alone. My friend’s husband is a rabbi although he was employed in another field. He likes to give advice and I listened to him. He helped me see that some of my preconceived, romantic notions were causing me to overlook the good qualities in others. I began to realize that some qualities on my “must have” list weren’t important. Just in time, too, I was now thirty-seven years old.

A short time later, I met a young man at an organization where we were doing volunteer work. When I say young, I mean it! He was twenty five years old. He asked me to go out for coffee afterward. I only said yes because I had nothing planned that afternoon and didn’t feel like going straight home. I didn’t feel attracted to him – he was about two inches taller than me – too short in my opinion, and I knew he was younger than me. But he seemed eager and I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything if I were nice to him.

We went to a vegan restaurant and he offered to buy me lunch. We drank carrot juice and when my glass was empty he offered to get me a second. “He’s awfully nice”, I thought to myself. Then, he told me he’d had a crush on me for weeks! He asked me if I would go out with him. I thought his behavior was cute, and I was flattered that he liked me, but had decided never to date anyone younger because my previous boyfriend (the one to whom I’d been engaged) was younger than me. I wanted someone mature. He said, “Well if the age difference doesn’t matter to me, who should it matter to you?” I realized that my own obstinate notions could cause me to miss a great opportunity and I decided to get out of my own way and see what happened. What had I to lose? The worst thing that could happen was that I’d be disappointed, and I had already learned how to deal with that.

We began dating, and I told myself “I’ll just keep seeing him as long as things are going well and see what happens.” We got along very well and seemed to enjoy the same things and have the same values. We saw each other every day and on the 16th day, he asked me to marry him! I was taken aback at first, and told him I needed some time to think about it.

After a month, he asked me again. This time, I said “yes.” We were married six months later under a chuppah in Golden Gate Park. He wanted a large wedding so we invited about 300 people. My best friend was matron of honor and her husband, the rabbi, “gave me away” because my parents couldn`t attend. Their little daughter was the flower girl. What a joyous day it was!

Today, we`ve been married 27 years and have a 24-year-old son (born when I was 40). We are retired and our son is about to graduate from a prestigious university. We`ve had our “ups and downs” but have never forgotten our commitment to support each other. Of course, the things that were “wrong” with my sweet husband are still there – his neck is short, he is short, his grammar and spelling are bad, he eats too fast, – should I go on? But what does all that matter, when we are so happy together?

Rebbetzin, I hope you will forward this letter to those two young women who wrote you. You can publish it if you want to (although it`s rather long). Even though I`m from outside your community, I want to share my odyssey with others in the hope it will help some one see clearly when faced with this decision. I feel this is a situation many young people struggle with because the media has influenced us – even subconsciously- to value things that, in the long run, don`t really matter

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When choosing a place for a first date, try to find a place where you can be comfortable in. Don’t go somewhere where there is loud music, the only thing you will be doing is trying to communicate over the noise. Movies, are good, you don’t spend time getting to know one another, even though some feel that at least you can have a conversation afterward about the film if nothing else clicks.

I always like the coffee (tea) date. Go to a nice local coffee place, they are usually quiet, can have a conversation to get to know each other, if things go well, can always go out somewhere else after to continue the conversation, and well, if not, how long does it take for a cup of coffee?

Just go as relaxed as possible, and try to have a conversation about general things, don’t get to intimate and ask really personal questions on a first date.

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