Jewish Dating Blog | The inside scoop – Jewish Dating wisdom from the Matchmaker

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A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR YOU PROFILE.
Try to determine who you are going for:
1. If you are looking for someone who is more educated – but you still enjoy humor, and looking for someone similar
“I hold a MBA, love deep conversation, but have a silly side to make you laugh.”
2. Mention your interests:
Enjoy walks in the park, taking hikes in nature, skiing down the black diamonds, (or the bunny hills). Or I can be just as happy being curled up with a nice cup of tea, reading a good book or watching a comedy or chic flic. But what would be even better, having someone with me to share all of this.
3. Religious Level
a) I come from a traditional family growing up enjoyed Shabbat and the holidays.  I keep a kosher home and get together with family and or friends, on occasion, but will drive on Shabbat. I am open to take on more. Having a family to observe Shabbat with and the holidays would be amazing, but for now find it difficult being single and not having to many friends around who are observant.
b) I am currently not religious but I am open to take on a little more – not sure if kosher out of the house is something I could do – but keeping kosher in the home we can discuss. I always enjoyed the family time of Friday night dinners and getting together on the holidays, so I am very open to this as well
c) I am more spiritual than religious, and not sure if I would be open to taking on more – but open to discuss if I met someone who is was so important for.
d) I am Shomer Shabbat and observe Kashrut in and out of the house. I am looking for someone who is learned, (if you want a person who will learn with you as well mention it) – would still want him/her to be career oriented, (and mention a few things here that are most important for you.
4. Mention the type of person you are:

Try to put a little “fun” into it making it interesting that the person will want to get to know you.
Women:
I am a sweet and caring individual – who enjoys doing volunteer work, and helping others. My work can be stressful so you can also find me out in the park with a bunch of friends playing touch football, or jumping into the fountains and being spontaneous, to let off some steam. I enjoy relaxing as well, and have a great sense of humor, but can also be serious. Which personality will I be today?
Men:

Looking for someone who enjoys cultural events, sports, but not extreme, walks in the park and great conversation? I am ambitious, caring, and loyal. My friends say I can even have a feminine side (yes men this is great to mention if you do), I am a teddy bear type, and still the macho man as well.
If there are specifics things you are looking for mention it as well. Be concise, open and honest, you don’t want your profile to read someone who you aren’t.  If you are willing to meet someone distant, open to relocate or preference for them to move, mention this as well
Remember, it is also important to update your profile – you may have moved, or after dating you find that you have changed certain requirements make changes. It is also good to check your pictures ensure they are up to date, have a facial, full body, and I always like to recommend one that will show a side to your personality, if you are outdoorsy, a skier, or into travel, post one that will show things you enjoy.
If you are not sure ask a friend to help you out – they know you and can guide you.
You want your profile to stand out, be interesting, and show who you are, just find a way when you write it that it just is a little more intriguing to read.
Your profile is the first step to the meeting of a potential match – work on it, update it,
BUT COMPLETE IT

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Thought I would share this with you:

 

A few thoughts on how to better navigate the dating scene.

by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff

It’s not easy being single. After dating for months or years, one can feel discouraged and pessimistic. Here are five tips on how to better navigate the dating scene.

1. Be Open

At a singles gathering I approached a woman I know and asked if she would go out with a young man standing across the room. I had previously met him and knew him to be considerate, intelligent and a working professional.

As we spoke, her friend walked over and interjected her opinion.

“Him?” she said. “Ugh. I would never let you date him! He is a total TWOT”.

“A TWOT?” I asked. “What’s a TWOT?”

She looked at me and explained. “A TWOT is a Total Waste Of Time”.

They walked away and no introduction was made. Maybe nothing would’ve come out of their meeting, who knows? But I wonder how many dates never happen because of a dismissive remark from a friend, a rolling of the eyes, or a look of contempt. How often does someone share information that does not allow another to accept a date? Just because this person was not right for you does not mean that he or she would not be right for your friend. Your sarcastic remark or casual putdown just ruined it for someone else.

Don’t allow the views of another to prevent you from finding love. Be open to meeting new people even if your friends don’t believe this is the right one for you. Make an effort to break out of the box you have put yourself in. If you keep on dating the same type of personality without success, ask yourself if now is the time to be open to meeting a different sort of individual. Maybe you are stuck with an unrealistic picture of who your soul mate is.

2. Be Positive about Yourself

Torah teaches us “Love others as you love yourself.” Loving yourself is not a selfish love. It means that you are aware of your strengths and you know that you can make a difference in this world. Building strong relationships with another person begins when we have built a solid relationship with ourselves. Don’t be overly harsh on yourself. Focus on your positive traits. Radiate confidence; it’s attractive. If you do not love and feel good about who you are, why would the person you are dating feel differently?

A very attractive career woman came to meet with me about finding her soul mate. She felt that she was doing something wrong in her dating life. As soon as we began our conversation, I noticed that she radiated a sadness and defeatist attitude whenever she spoke about her romantic prospects. It was as if she gave off a message that she did not think she would ever find her bashert. She was carrying years of baggage with her. Without realizing it, she had been broadcasting that she felt awful about her chances of finding true love. Men felt her negative vibes. It was almost as if she was saying, “You won’t want me, just like the rest of them.” By transforming her attitude, she would give herself a positive emotional makeover.

3. Pay Attention to Your Body Language

You’d be surprised at how many of us totally ignore the signals we send out through our body language and actions.

Here are some ideas to think about before you go on your next date.

Show that you are interested. Smile. Maintain eye contact. Don’t fidget with your hair. Turn off your phone and stop checking your texts. Don’t keep scanning the room to see who else is there. You will seem bored and disinterested. Dress up for your date-at least show that you care enough to be well groomed and not wear stained or wrinkled clothing. It’s not about being shallow; it’s about taking care of your teeth, your hair, your shoes, and the way you wish to transmit your persona.

4. Work on Communication Skills

Communicating is not just about talking, it is also about listening.

Some of us know how to tell over a really good story but we forget how to listen. Give the other person a chance to speak and offer their opinions. Watch that you are not constantly interrupting. If you do not agree with a point of view or feel strongly about your own opposing convictions, try not to let the conversation get heated through an acrimonious tone. Watch that you are not coming off as judgmental.

A shy person may find it more difficult to share emotions, but even if you are introverted, you can add to the conversation. Show your personality by sharing an exciting incident that happened to you or ideas that you are passionate about. These are ice breakers and wonderful ways to keep a conversation going. Ask questions-most people enjoy talking about their interests.

You may not feel that this person is for you, but you should attempt to try and get to know the person anyway. Acting as if we just want to go home leaves us with a lost opportunity to gain insight and understanding. We can grow richer from every encounter we have in life. We are taught this lesson so beautifully in Ethics of the Fathers: Ben Azzai used to say, “Do not be scornful of any person and do not be disdainful of anything, for you have no person without his hour and no thing without its place. “

5. Make Time, Make an Effort

You need to make dating a priority in your life. You may feel that you know everyone out there so what’s the point in going to this mixer or that class… but there is a point. Staying home and watching Downton Abbey or your favorite sports team will not help you on your quest for love. Get out of your comfort zone and embrace the moment. You never know who you will meet. Your soul mate may even be a friend of a friend whom you meet that night. Be positive about blind dates; wonderful marriages have been made despite the couple being introduced and not finding each other on their own. Effort means we don’t just try to fit our desire to get married into our busy life.

When we say that we struggle to find the time to date between our packed work, friends and gym schedule, it means that we haven’t made dating and marriage our number one goal.

Though we cannot always determine where life takes us, we can make sure that we try our hardest to navigate the road successfully. Taking a good look at ourselves and making real changes in both attitude and action can help us build a life filled with joy and blessing.

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Hope this can help some of you out there…

This Recently Married Man Just Realized Marriage Is Not For Him. You Have To Read What He Wrote.

<!–By admin–>November 3, 2013 Other Stuff

This is Seth Adam Smith and his wife, Kim. They’ve been married a year and a half, and Seth just realized: marriage is not for him.

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He realized it’s MUCH more than that. This is a recent entry from his blog. It’s well worth reading.

Marriage Isn’t For You

Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :)  I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

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I have written about this before – SHOPPING LIST IN JEWISH DATING. – we all have things that we are looking for in a partner, physically, personality, whatever, but take your list and get rid of it. Or I will honestly say- look at it closely – other then things that are so important – that you really feel you can or can’t compromise on then those can be up for discussion…

I want to share with you an email I just received from a member on the Jretromatch site…she had changed her status to Engaged and I emailed her to say Mazel Tov and ask her how she met her finance..

 

We were introduced on the website “______My fiancé was actually on Jretromatch too, but we probably never would have gotten matched up because “on paper” he doesn’t fit what I thought I was looking for. We are a perfect example of the clique “when you throw out the list, you’ll meet the one.”

SO there you have it – it happened to me – it happened to her…maybe you will be the next one

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Dating is difficult – it is frustrating the longer you date you become more so, plus you loose self-esteem and find yourself thinking will this even happen to me.

Maybe it is time to take a break from Jewish Dating,  refocus, and figure out what and who you are looking for. If you, are not happy with who you are, where you are, this will come across while dating. Reconsider your criteria, are you looking for someone that just doesn’t exist, or are your expectations just a little too high?

Do you have a “best friend” of the opposite sex. Who you never even considered to be “the one” maybe they are. Take the chance – don’t worry about loosing a friend you may gain a partner.

If your career, friends, family, take too much of your time, and you say you want to meet someone, well you will have to find the time in your already hectic schedule to meet, and make a relationship work. A relationship is work – it is compromise, finding time to go out, speak to each other, see if there can be  potential. So if you aren’t really serious about making the TIME, then you may require to figure out how to do this.

Remember what ever your decision, if you really want it – then it can happen. No one knows how or where or when you will meet, but if you don’t make the effort, the time, the steps to have yourself ready for a committed relationship then it will be impossible. So if need be, take time out and refocus, rethink and get yourself ready.

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This is a response I wrote to a member of mine after he was commenting on the frustrations of dating and how he never though he would still be single….

I can relate – I was voted to be the first in my high school class to be married – I was the 2nd to last – and got married at 40..there are NO answers to any of this – as after 7 years of matchmaking – over 20 years of dating – even though they now give me a credit for being an “expert” I really don’t think anyone can be. It is just pure “Mazel” when the time is for anyone to meet.

 

As for being “cool” – when a dear friend of mine met my husband – he came to me and said – never thought he would be your type expected you to be with this “cool” guy…my husband mister conservative – we are so….different in so many aspects…but somehow we make it work. Can I answer or give you advise …no real answer – unfortunetly – I can just say do what you can network – use everything you can – and just be the best person you can be – and know that you are doing what you can..as you said – you are at a good place in your life..and no you are not the only one…I hear this from so…many men and woman, so it is not unique.

Why are there so many singles out there…I think for some of the reasons ..so many got caught up with school – exams – careers – and by the time they are available years later and older – expectations are now a little different..people are more set in there ways – for some maybe a little more selfish – and for others just looking for their “ideal” relationship which to be honest I don’t think really exists.

Is this the asnwer you want to hear – I am sure not – but there is only one person who has the answer’s and I know it is not me…

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This isn’t so much dating advise but a story to share with you – I hope you will learn something from it:

When I hear people are still looking for there ideal match, I want to ask them so many questions. Do you expect to meet the perfect person? Are we perfect? Everyone has some flaws – how can we go into a relationship without trying to compromise? Marriage is all about compromise, working hard – it is probably the most difficult thing in our lives, or will be – to make a good marriage great.

If you ask most of your friends – will they answer that they have a great marriage – or it can be a little better. I think today with all the modern technology we are loosing our way to communicate – communication of the voice. Speaking to each other, instead of texting – emailing – messaging, it is time to talk and communicate with each other to find out if there is enough mutual similarities to make it work.

Marriage: I know of a couple who spent 57 years arguing – about the big and small things.

Woman: Clean fanatic who would vacuum three times a day, use a sponge in the bathroom sink to clean up after each use, everything in its place. Taught her children to put away there clothes – but convinced when they left for school went into the rooms to straighten up (as no children had that clean a room). Had a house full of people, during all the holidays, open door policy for friends, relatives and anyone who wanted, including the animals that some how ended up in the house. Managed to do all this as the husband traveled for a living coming home on weekends – and sometimes being gone weeks at a time, when the distance was to great to make it home.

Man: His idea of clean was leaving the newspapers piling up for days, clothes thrown all around. Wasn’t around too much to teach the children – but when he was he was, they had good and bad memories. If he couldn’t handle things or if the kids did anything wrong he tended to yell. Enjoyed the people around the house as much as she did, and had no problem if relatives, friends or animals where around.

Together they brought up children – kept the extended family around, made a home for many. They traveled each summer and winter together with the kids, even if it was getting in a car and traveling for hours to visit family who moved away. Planned a European Vacation for the family which took them 5 years to save for, just so everyone could be together for quality time.

The woman wasn’t too healthy but with all her times in the hospital the man was constantly by her side. As they got older and the health issues got worse for both of them, he was by her side, including cleaning up after her.

This couple, my parents, they may have not had the great marriage, but they had a good one. My mother passed away last week, and my father cried, for loosing his wife and best friend. They survived the marriage and I only hope that I can say one day that my husband and I can do for each other in the end what my parents did for one another.

Marriage is hard work, and if everyone’s expectations while dating are that they are looking for the perfect relationship, I doubt you will find it. Look for someone that will have the personality to stay with you, work through the differences, be there for each other in the good times and bad. Be open with each other, and trust one another, that is what will work.

In memory of Raizel bas Chana B”H (you are missed)

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It has almost been 7 years since I began the exciting “challenge” of matchmaking (Shidduchim) – in this time I have been fortunate to bring 15 couples together and have been sent photo’s of the couple’s and even had the joy of seeing the babies.

Recently one of my couples was from my community – both never met and I was the messenger (Shaliach) for this match. What an incredible feeling to bring two people together – both from the same area who didn’t know each other . I also knew the parents of each and the mother of the bride is friend of mine. So this too was just amazing through the process. When I see a match is successful I am thrilled and it bring tears to my eyes – and each match is just so incredible, but it was just so special to be able to witness the marriage.

I hope the Hashem will continue to give me this honor and may I be the shaliach for many more matches.

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It is time to get serious. as the years go on – why does it seem that everyone is still so…picky in trying to find a partner. I don’t understand how someone can think they will get – the model look – the very high earner – someone who lives withing 15 km

The model look – lets be honest how many people are the “model” why do you believe by signing up to a site that is what you will get in matches. Being realistic – I doubt it.

The very high earner – we can’t really ask a person what they make for a living – if you feel that, there are other ways of finding the higher earner – join the millionaires club..

Within 15 km – lets be honest – the chances – you have to open up a little..

Oh, and of course those that live in rural area’s – geograhically undesirable – if you haven’t found someone in your own community or close by – how do you think we could – open up the critieria, help us out.

If you are really serious then be more open, and more realistic work with us so you can get suitable matches

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