Jewish Dating Blog | The inside scoop – Jewish Dating wisdom from the Matchmaker

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All of us can use a little improvement. No one is perfect and we can all grow in some kind of fashion. Thanks to
America’s obsession with psychology there are tons of great self-help books on the bookshelf. I wanted to recommend a few that I know have made a huge impact on people.

1. Men are from mars and Women are from Venus- ok I know you think it might sound cheesy but it is a great book and a must read I think for all Men. Most men are always saying they can’t understand what women are about, read this book and you will start to get it.

2. Seven habits of highly successful people- You want to make a big change in your life read this book and take it in. It really has some very powerful life changing advice in it. Maybe it will even get some of you to call your match within 3 days :)

3. Dance of Anger- A must read for all women out there. This is a life changer and really gives great insights into relationships. Gave me lots of insights into my personal relationships and helped break the bad patterns.

4. Getting the love you want and other great books by Harville Hendrix- Profound relationship advice that will help you a lot in dating.

It is the summer and things are little slower at work. Try to pick up one of the above books and enjoy a great read!

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I know I have said this before about how important your profile is for online dating. What is up with the people who write one liners!!! Seriously how is someone ( matchmaker or potential match) suppose to get any feel for what you are like if all you write is “give me a try”.

To me this says something. I think it means you are not really serious about finding someone. I know you went through the standard questions that turn you into a list but this paragraph is a chance for you to show a glimpse of what you are like. As matchmakers you make our job very difficult when you don’t have much info and it is also a big turn off to potential matches.

This is my beef for today. I really care about finding you matches and it would be great if you all could become our partners it.

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I just learnt the most interesting thing about sarcasm. I never was that comfortable being around very sarcastic people. Something about that type of sense of humor was mean and felt wrong and now I think I know why.  There is a great Psychologist out there called Armand Demille. He has a fantastic radio show weekly about different psychology topics (you should check it out at www.thepositivemind.com- free to download the shows).  Recently he had a whole show about sarcasm. This is a must listen to for all you sarcastic people out there and those with close ones who are very sarcastic. The reason I am writing about this to get you to think about making improvements in yourself and also to be aware of certain warning signs in a relationship.

Basically sarcasm can be dived up into a few things. It can be used to distance one self from the other person emotionally. Think about it. You tell your significant other a great thing that happened to you and they respond with a sarcastic comment. People who tend to do this are trying to distance themselves from you and are not comfortable being close. This is something to watch for in a relationship.

Sarcasm can also be a way to mask our anger.  Those snotty comments are sometimes a way to let our anger out and then we cover it up by responding with “only joking”. If your match is someone who frequently does this (or you are someone who does) it is something to think about once again.

Just to not insult all you sarcastic people out there, sarcasm is actually related to our intelligence and the more intelligent we are the better our sarcasm is and the more we can understand sarcasm (how about that for a way to judge someone’s level of intelligence.

Now go be sarcastic…only joking :)

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This comes from my husband: have a back-up plan if things don’t work out well on your date.

What was my husbands – A Ball Hockey game, came on our first date in sweats and a torn shirt, wasn’t to impressed with the wardrobe, but I married him anyways. No, he didn’t have to use his get away. He mentioned he had to play at 9:30pm, at 10:00 I asked him he he was going to the game, he said NO and we still laugh about it today.

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When you meet someone and are interested, the first questions are not usually,

* how old you are

* do you have children

* where do you live

But somehow with on-line dating these are the questions that everyone is focused on. How about trying to overlook this. Maybe the chances of meeting someone will be a little easier if these questions are not the priorities. Does it really matter if the person is younger/older then you were hoping, if they have or don’t have children, and if they live to far and you are compatible, then you can make it work.

Get to know the person first, and then all the other things could probably work out as well. No relationship will be ideal, and to find a person that you connect with is not easy. So forget about all the other “outside” issues and just get to know the person. The bigger issues can then fall into place, and if they can’t be worked out, well, then the relationship just wasn’t meant to be.

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This is just a quick tip for those of you current and potential members of Jretromatch.com Take a look at your search criteria and make sure of two things

1.They should accurately reflect what you are looking.

2. They should not be too stringent. It is always best to be a bit more flexible with your choices then strict that way other matchmakers will get your profile when they are looking for their members. Let the matchmaker use her discretion to see if the match is a good one or not. Warning! Don’t leave the choices all open that way too many matches will show up and not allow the matchmaker to find a great match easily.

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Okay now, it’s time to get serious. Men, what do you expect? A woman who is divorced with children, where do you think her children will be? If you are willing to date someone divorced with children, that usually means they will be in her home, if not full time then 1/2 time. Woman, the same goes for you.

Most people today do have joint custody, or at least visitation. So if you are ready to meet someone divorced, then there is a good chance there will be children in the picture as well. I see and speak to so many people who are willing to date someone only if the kids don’t live in the home. Reality check, where will they live?

As you get older, the chances of meeting someone divorced will be quite high, and with that could be there children. It is one more obstacle, but stepchildren are worth it, especially when you consider this may be your future partner you may be saying no too.

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Let’s get a discussion going. There is so much talk about First Dates’s. Where should you go, what you should do, and trying to be creative.

As a matchmaker, and as a woman, I feel that the man should pay for the first date. If you can’t afford too much, then don’t spend it, first dates don’t have to be going to expensive restaurents or shows. But paying for the first date, shows that this is a date, not a platonic relationship. It show’s a little romance.

Future dates, can be shared, or this can be discussed between you. But guys, take out the wallet on the first date. What do you think? Lets hear from you.

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It is always difficult to try to come up with a great place or thing to do on a first date. You want to make sure you have the maximum conversation time with the minimum cost. There are a few things to consider:

1. Privacy- You want to make sure you pick a place that has enough privacy so that you both can talk comfortably. Don’t go to the latest hang out where you will be sure to bump into a dozen friends and don’t pick a place that has no where that you can talk quietly.

2. Distractions- You want to pick a place that will have least amount of distractions for you. That means no loud noises, no packed house and no form of entertainment (movie, play etc…). The point of a first date is to get to know someone not watch the latest movie, save that for later.

3. Cost- To avoid the awkwardness of who is going to pay for what, make the first date in a relatively inexpensive location. I personally don’t believe anyone no matter how wealthy they are should have to pay for 100$ for a first date. Save it for when it counts.

4. Location- Try to make it in the most convenient location for the both of you. If you live some distance away from each other meet half way somewhere.

Here are some of my favorite locations for a first date:

1. Park/beach- bring a little bit of food, maybe a bottle of wine and cheese and just enjoy getting to know each other.

2. Cafe- Find a cute little intimate cafe (not the local starbucks) that has some nice little quiet tables in the back.

3. Lounge/bar/restaurant- some of these places have a meeting area that people can talk and have a drink. Make sure it does not have music blasting. Hotel bars are great for this since they usually have loads of private comfortable places to sit.

4. Mini golf/bowling- There is nothing like a good game of mini-golf and bowling to get people to break down the awkwardness between them. No one can help laughing and having fun.

5. Museums- Try to find out which type of museum he/she likes and catch a  great exhibit. You can walk and talk at the same time :) Enjoy! 

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All of you stop for a moment and think about what I have to say. No multi- tasking for a bit, no speaking on the phone while reading. I want you all to take 5 minutes and try to really think about what is important to you in a match and what are the things that you are looking for in a match. Take out a piece a paper and write them down. Now look at the list, do some of them seem not so important once you read them? Are some them STOPPING you from meeting a great guy or girl? 

Let’s try to think about what is important to look for and what should be on that list.

1. Goals – It is important to find someone who has a similar life vision as you do. I don’t mean you have to both want to finish a marathon, but you both should want to take your life in similar directions. If she only wants to travel the world and he only wants to settle down and move to the suburbs chances are things won’t work out at this time.

2. Similar Values- To make a relationship work people need to have similar values. Personally I think the more similar the easier the relationship in the end.

3. Personality- This is a hard one to pinpoint but I think that the more you date the better idea you get for what type of personality meshes best with yours. It can be that up till now you have being going out with mostly extroverted people and that seems to be what you need but maybe someone more introverted would work as well. As I said it is mostly through experience that you will get a feel for what is best for you. You should always be looking for someone who is open to change and a great communicator, two of the most important things needed in a relationship.

4. Attraction- yes attraction is important but try not to make it into a list. You can only really tell if you are attracted to someone after you have met and spent time with them.

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