CAT | Jewish dating
I have seen this post through emails and other dating Blogs. It is a familar scenario, and one that is so true. Are you looking for what you can’t have? Being realistic in meeting your potential partner is one of the most important things. Yes we want the “ideal” person but look around, ask your friends and co-workers – are they really married to the perfect person? IT DOESN’T EXIST. GO ON TO DATE AND BE MORE OPEN
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: “You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!”
So, a woman goes to the store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign reads: “These men Have Jobs”. The second floor sign reads: “These men Have Jobs and Love Kids”. The third floor sign reads: “These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.”
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
At the fourth floor the sign reads: “These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.”
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: “These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.” She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: “You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.”
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. It too has six floors. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
IS THIS WHAT THE DATING SCENE HAS BECOME. ARE YOU AFRAID TO MAKE A REAL COMMITTMENT TO MEETING AND FINDING A PERSON THAT MAY NOT FIT INTO YOUR IDEAL BUT WILL BE A WONDERFUL SPOUSE? DON’T GO SHOPPING – WITH SHOPPING YOU CAN ALSO RETURN THE GOODS AT ANY TIME.
MARRIAGE – RELATIONSHIPS – DATING IS SERIOUS AND HARD WORK – YOU NEED TO BE COMMITTED TO IT – AND NOT THINK WELL IF I DON’T LIKE IT IT CAN BE RETURNED.
So it is time to stop and think – and be serious – go out there and join the dating sites - take courses – socialize in the environment that you will want to meet someone
What is Beshert – best translated as your soul mate that Hashem (G-d) has pre-ordained that two souls will meet. It says in the Talmud (Bible) that 40 days before you are born that “the daughter of so and so is destined for this person.” This is your Beshert. A match made in heaven.
Does this mean that we should wait around? If G-d has already chosen our Beshert, then one day that person should just appear. The answer to this is no, just as your Beshert has been chosen for you there is the possibility that with free will involved, you may not actually meet .
How do we know if the person we meet is our Beshert? There is still a lot of work ahead to finding eachother. It is a difficult process, , it is even more problematic as we all have a pre-conceived idea of the type of person we are looking for. With this sometimes your Beshert may be overlooked.
Finding your Beshert is bringing two souls together. Just as Eve was made from Adam’s rib, and then they were reunited, so to is the connection for husband and wife, finding your Beshert means bringing your two souls together, and becoming whole once again.
The dating world is difficult enough. Some are lucky and find their Beshert after the first introduction, but I am sure in some of these cases these people may also second guess themselves, and question if this person is truly there Beshert. You want to figure out what is really important to you. It is difficult to finding your Beshert when you are in your late teens or early 20′s, and Orthodox, how do you really know what you are looking for? One of the things you may consider is when meeting your prospective beshert, is how does this person make you feel? Do you feel that you could be a better person by being with them? .
You also have to remember that no one is perfect, and you must decide which “faults” you may be willing to compromise on. Finding your Beshert may be very difficult, don’t go into it thinking that it will be easy, for some it is, others will wait years to meet For the Orthodox, finding your Beshert, the pressure is on, as if you don’t find someone within the first year of looking, you will also have the people that are ready for finding their Beshert who weren’t ready the year before.
There are also many people who over time become religious, “Baal Teshuvas” that may be older. Some are divorced and have become religious after the first marriage, and others became more and more religious over the years. Is this to say the first marriage wasn’t their Beshert, and now they are looking for their Beshert? Only Hashem knows the answer. Some find their Beshert right away, and for others, such as myself, it took 23 years of dating to find my Beshert at 39 years old. I look back now and know that I had to wait for my Beshert, because he had to go through 20 years of marriage to someone else, become religious, for me to meet him.
To find your Beshert you must be open minded and really consider when someone discusses a potential match for you; don’t necessarily turn someone down because that person could be you Beshert – and use everyone possible resource out there, from On-line Dating Sites, Matchmaker’s, to just networking – or try Speed-dating, or even programs within your Community, just do what it takes to meet someone .
You join a Jewish Dating Site, and there are quite a few out there. What do you pay monthly $12-$25 depending on the site and the services you sign up for? Think about the price, it is probably what you spend on coffee for the week – ah the coffee is probably more.
You decide to check out one of the many single’s events in your area, you go and have a good time. But no success in meeting someone
You decide to check out one of the many trips for single’s today, you go and have an amazing time seeing a different country – or enjoyig a cruise. But no success in meeting someone.
You now join one of the many on-line Jewish sites you get matches – you go out on dates, but no success.
You may live in an area with limited Jew’s, and or know most in the area. Or you live in one of the “Big” cities but age wise out of the 2o-40 range, and it may be more difficult to meet someone. You speak to us on the phone and you are fully aware of these “challenges to dating” . Of course – you can’t and don’t give up you continue to go on the single’s events, the trips, social networking, trying to meet someone that you will be compatible with and can have a serious relationship.
So where am I going with this..if you are on the site’s it is because you haven’t met someone up to now. You want help looking for and potentially to meet someone. We can’t guarantee the success of the site. We can’t quarantee how many matches you will receive or if they will be mutually accepted or not. We can’t quarantee that today you will meet someone. We can try our best in helping in the process.
We speak with you on the phone – and you mention how difficult it is to meet, then you ask how many people on the site will you be compatible with? You ask how many people in your area, as you mention you know everyone and can you find me someone “new”. The challenges are there.
So this is my question – for the price of a few cups of coffee, you can be on the site and get the benefits of it, we may not have a match – for you but do you question when you go on the single’s event – or the trips – or you have been dating for years with no luck and you are spending so much – do you ask for your money back from all the other places?
Try and see what we can do, it may take just a few weeks, months, or years, but it is one more option available to you – so for the price of those coffee’s take a chance. But just try to enjoy the Jewish Dating Services out there and available to you
Caption reads – Due to his pioneering work with mouthwash no one dared to tell him about his own breath
So this may be a little extreme but this is a serious topic to discuss. When you are going out on a date - take care of yourself personally. You want to look good, but also remember you will be sitting next to this person and want to impress them. This could be the first date and you would hope it would lead to others.
Prepare yourself – If you are a person that normally doesn’t use deordorant – maybe consider some. Brush your teeth, shower and wash your hair then comb it. Dress nicely, don’t mean fancy, just clean clothes that have recently been washed.
If you are not sure – look around you and ask a friend – for assistance. Dating is serious – and if you are serious about it then prepare yourself in every possible way.
If you have a friend that you feel can use some help then I recommend you discussing this topic with them, at first they really may not appreciate it but in the long run I am sure you are doing them a great favour.
When you are ready to date, there are many options out there in Jewish Dating - use ever resource available to you.
When you are meeting people in a natural setting – at a party or with friends you usually act yourself. They tend to meet the “true you”. Be this way when you are out on a date. Don’t try to be someone who you aren’t, because eventually this can only hurt you.
With on-line dating sites - it is very easy to write what you want, you hope this will attract the person – but when you meet them how do you explain yourself?
So many times we see people not telling the truth about there age. It is easy to “take a few years off” But is this really fair to someone you meet. I realize many people today are “younger in years” then they really are – but don’t deceit the eachother. This is not the proper way to start off a relationship when you are dating.
I realize we sometimes “embelish” the truth a little, but when it comes to age, employment, just be honest. Don’t start off the relationship this way – someone will always get hurt when they find out the truth.
Personality as well – we all try to please our partners and say we enjoy things we may not – be honest with each other. You always can remember the stories of 50 years later – the woman is serving her husband dinner – and he finally says how he dislikes it..when she asked why he never mentioned this to her..he says..I never wanted to hurt your feelings. This is very nice..but is it worth spending 50 years not enjoying your dinner. Just be honest with eachother from start.
You are dating to meet someone – just be yourself – if it is meant to be you will like eachother for who you both are not for who you are trying to be. If you do not believe that who you are is the best..then maybe before you begin to date you should be looking at yourself and seeing where YOU can be making changes.
Dating Distance is not usually what anyone would want – but for some people this is the only way they could meet. With on-line site’s this is more of a possibility and “doors” can be broader and the matches can be made. So when you are dating – consider Jewish Dating – and going the long distance route..
Don’t close yourself off to Intercity Dating or even International, it is more difficult but you can make it work if it is meant to be. It will be more of a challenge, and you will require some creativity to keep it going but it could be worth it. It may be best to speak to each other a few times before you schedule the first meeting – which will require one of you to travel.
Plan ahead - how will you get there – where will you stay – who will be the one to travel first.
Things to think about – if the date doesn’t work out – what will you do?
Here are some tips: some that I personally did while Intercity Dating:
1. If you have friends in the city you are traveling to, made arrangements to stay with them – this way make the best of the time away
2. If you go to a new city – stay at a Hotel - “research” the city – so if things don’t work out make a mini-vacation so at least you get to enjoy yourself and do some site-seeing
3. Help the person with there travel plans – make arrangements for them to being picked up at the Airport, or at least offer – or assist with a place to stay. Highly recommend the first visit even if they offer do not stay at there place. Just in case things don’t work out it may be very uncomfortable for the both of you.
4. Don’t plan to be together every second of the day. If things go well – then plans can be changed easier then trying to make arrangements to find things to do…
5. Make the first visit a short one, but if you can extend it if things work out then that would be great.
6. No matter what happens make the best of the time away.
Purim – It is a day to hide behind the mask. We dress up, and play make believe. We can be who ever we want to. Many people get a little drunk, and we “stamp” out Haman’s name when we read the Megillah. Maybe we should think about this.
Today more and more people are asking when dating, one question. What is it? How does he/she look? We ask about the physical being of the person before anything else. Let’s think about this. We also play dating “games” you say you are serious but never actually follow through on matches. You call a person and figure if the conversation doesn’t go well – why bother to give it a second chance. You go out on a date, but it may not go well – so instead of being a little considerate and making the best of the situation, you leave through the back (maybe without even settling the bill). Instead of giving it a chance or being more open.
Physical look –
What attributes this person has, not if they are a good person, or what type of family they are from. We look first at the physical. I am not saying this is wrong, of course we want to be attracted to our partner, and there has to be chemistry, but attraction and chemistry can also grow. Who the person is, and what they can bring to the relationship probably won’t. Are they kind, considerate, can they be a provider, and you don’t need to have a great profession today to be able to provide for your family (as we have seen with so many people out of work) you need someone who can be there through emotional support, hardships that will happen in your daily life.
You want someone who is committed – not into the “partying” ( or maybe you still want this) but think if this is how you want to be as you want to begin a relationship – are you still trying to be a kid, maybe it is time to “grow up”.It is time to stop hiding behind the masks, playing make believe, and stamping out what isn’t right. It is time to make commitments, be realistic, and maybe take a few more chances.
It seems like we have gone full circle, today hearing Matchmaker, Matchmaker make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch…is not so uncommon. Between the on-line Jewish Dating Sites, and an actual matchmaker working for you, this has become the way of the 90′s and now ’10′s
I decided to see how popular this word has become on-line and just bringing up the word – you get on-line matchmaker services, a list of professional matchmaker’s and there now is even a course to become a Professional Matchmaker – Certificate upon completion
So why today is this process not just for the religious communities anymore? Is it because Jewish Dating has become so difficult? Or that we spend so much time working, playing and being involved in so many different activities that we can’t meet anyone
Having a matchmaker is very common today. Is this concept considered “buying love” – or paying for a service? It is just one more outlet out there for dating today, and the Jewish Matchmaker has become the way of the present as well.
With JEWISH DATING, what is very important at any age is to Network. At any age, Jewish Dating is not just saying you are ready, it is the start to informing everyone you are ready.
You have to get out there, speak to people, and use every possible means to finding yourself a partner. I know this is easy to say, but how do you go about this?
First lets look at some of the conventional ways, in Networking in Jewish Dating . If you are religious you may choose to use a Shaddchan, (Matchmaker). For this it is best to speak to people in your community, or your local Rabbi to find out who is the best Shadchan for your age and religious level. But wait, more and more people are using Shadchan’s and today you do not have to be “frum” to use one. There are services, and the internet to help you find them. There are even on-line sites’ such as Sawyouatsinai and Jretromatch that take the idea of you having a Shadchan ( Matchmaker) and they work with you, to finding you matches.
Jewish Singles’ event’s. This has been a typical way to meet and mingle. Every local community run’s event’s and it just requires you to ask around, look in the local Jewish Paper’s, and internet search, to find some. From Speed-dating, to Dinner’s Party’s and now wonderful Single’s Vacation’s.
Jewish Adventure Clubs. If you are Athletic there are many out there from Skiing Clubs, to Hiking.
Then you have the real NETWORK - friends, family, neighbor’s, and co-workers. Speak to people, ask around you can’t be shy. Inform people you are wanting to meet, and tell them the type of person you are looking for. Ask them to speak to others and “put your name out” Start going out more, get yourself known in your community. If people don’t know who you are it makes it very difficult.
Just remember – you can’t just sit around and expect something to happen – today you have to be a little more pro-active, so just get out there and help make it happen.
It is January , 2010. Wow a New Year and decade. What will happen to many of you this year, and in the next 10.
Will you look back and say,”only if:, or : “what could I have done differently”
Or will you look back and be happy where you are in your life – in a relationship, or planning your wedding, or children?
Take the steps to make that happen. Don’t say you want it but then don’t do anything about it. Or find yourself with potential matches and you don’t even really make the effort to move things forward. Take the next few week, or days, to look at yourself and really ask are you doing what you can to meet someone. But even more so, once you are – are you putting everything you can to make it work? A relationship is hard work – if you ask people it is probably more challenging and stressful then that new job, moving, school, what ever you are involved in. But it is worth it. So go out there the end result can find you a spouse.