Jewish Dating Blog | The inside scoop – Jewish Dating wisdom from the Matchmaker

CAT | Jewish dating

You say you want to meet someone. Well take it seriously then. Everyone has a really busy schedule between work, prior committments, maybe family your own or extended. But if you can’t find time to “juggle” all of this, then where will you be, alone. I hear so many people saying, sorry didn’t have a chance to call the person, to busy at work. Make the time

We all learn to multi-task, take time to date and meet someone, and “juggle” one more really important aspect to your life.

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 None of us are baggage free. Some of us have 12 suitcases full while others have a small ziplock bag.  One of the best quotes I read in someone’s profile about this is “I don’t mind if she has baggage but it should be the carry-on kind”. I thought that summed it up very well. No one can escape from their past. Whether it is a nasty childhood or a bad divorce all these experiences shape who we are for the good and for the bad. It is how we deal with them that will make all the difference.

I should know about baggage. Both my husband and I did not have easy childhoods and I was in an abusive relationship for many years. Both these things were affecting my relationships until one day I took things in hand and learned how to turn my check in bag into carry on bag. It is not an overnight process and it still continues to this day but it is 100% necessary in order to have our relationship thrive.

There are many ways to deal with this problem. You can get professional help or you can pick some great books out there that are very helpful. The next time you are in a relationship and you see the same negative patterns reappearing, maybe start thinking of cleaning up some baggage.

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Most people  will say the number one reason they left a relationship is because the other person did not listen. Your partner wants your full attention when they are talking to you. You cannot be watching the computer screen, listening to the TV in the background or speaking on the phone. Stop and listen when they are talking, or if you are in the middle of something ask them to just wait till you are done. Get each other’s attention before you start to speak, and try to keep it. Commication is important at all stages of the relationship, but if you don’t have it at the beginning, don’t think you will get it when you are married

 

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When I starting dating seriously in my 20′s I had certain expectations of the type of person I would go out with. As I got older, this changed. When I reached my late 30′s and was still single, I looked around and starting questioning if I was to picky.

Well, now I say I just had to wait for the right person. It took me till I was 39 to find him. I always said if I met someone divorced with kids, he had to be in a position to support me, our children, and his from the previous marriage. When I met the person, who is now my husband, divorced, 2 children, he was between jobs and wasn’t really sure the direction he wanted. What changed? Communication, attraction, and a personal tragedy in my life, and he was there for me every step of the way, which changed my life, and his forever.

If this tragedy didn’t occur, I probably wouldn’t have seen some of the qualities that I wanted, I would have looked at the fact that he was not in a position to support a new family and his other one. Don’t wait for the tragedy. Look at the person you are with, and ask yourself will they be there for you no matter what happens in your life. If you answer yes..then maybe stop looking for someone else, maybe you have found the person you need to be with.

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I am so shocked at times when people don’t find some of the profiles I send to them as attractive. Some of these men/women I think are objectively speaking good looking people but yet someone out there still thinks they are not. Being on this site for quite sometime now you really get to see how subjective attraction is to each person. One of the best things one of my member once did was to send me a picture of an ex boyfriend of hers who she thought was very attractive. I particularly didn’t think much of him but what that did was give me a great idea of what she found attractive, making matching that much easier. It might be worth it for some of you to send a picture to your matchmaker so they can get the same image in their head as in yours.

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I thought I would take some time to share with you some impressions of a first date. We have all had the best and worst case scenarios, so I figure I’d pass some of mine on. Maybe this will also help you with some ideas.

Lets start off with the negative first:

1. Met someone for “coffee”. Normally when you go for coffee the standard question would be, would you like something else? Well he made it very clear that he was serious, a cup of coffee. Then when the bill came, he pulled out his credit card, for $2. When they told him no charge under $5 he went to buy some bread so he can use the card.

Comments: If you go for coffee, that is great, I have had many coffee dates that have worked out well, as a matter of fact my first date with my husband was at a coffee shop. But, don’t pull out the credit card for $2 it is a little embarrassing.

2. Went to a baseball game, this is always nice, watching a game, being outdoors. When he picked me up commented on how tired he was as he spent the day golfing and making business deals the whole day, and added, it was great “billing” his client’s on the golf course $400 hourly. He was a lawyer. Sounds great for him, my date, well he fell asleep from his exhaustion during the game.

Comments: if you have a date with someone, first don’t comment on the amount you are charging your clients, expecially on the golf course, and if you are so tired take a nap before the date.

3. Cars: I don’t think anyone likes to get into a filthy car, suggestion, before going out, if you fall into this category take out the empty food bags, cans, garbage, water bottles…

Comment: I think you get the “picture”

Another car incident..sitting on a towel, as he was afraid I would get his brand new car dirty, get rid of the towels and put on seat covers…

Okay some positive:

1. One of my best first dates. A bicycle ride by the waterfront, including a picnic dinner on the beach. This was probably one of my most memorable dates. Riding on the boardwalk, then sitting on the beach for picnic, of sandwhiches and drinks, no alcoholic. We had a wonderful evening, he just wasn’t ready for a relationship as was just divorced.

Comments: Do something enjoyable, a little romantic, you don’t need to be “wined and dined” to have a great experience, a nice relaxing evening, in a nice location, be creative.

2. Picnic Lunch: This was my third date with my husband. We met at a Conversation Park near my office, he brought the blanket and the food, including chocolate, strawberries, and a flower as not sure what was my favorite ( chocolate of course). We ate lunch, had a great conversation then strolled hand in hand through the Conservation Park. Stopped in an area with a little lake, and he asked me if he could kiss me, yes the first kiss..

Comments: Bringing a little bit of what a girls loves, not knowing exactly which, it was relaxing, romantic, and he asked before the kiss. A simple few things and that’s all most woman really need.

3. Walk through the park and stopping for ice cream afterwards, going to the amusement park, hiking, biking, or just a casual time together in a nice location.

Comments: First dates are a way to get to know each other, it is not time to impress the person, it is time to be yourself, and get to know each other, to see if there is enough attraction and chemistry to go out again. If the first date, you try to impress the person, with the “expensive” things, where do you go when you really do want to make the impression, if and when things work out. Be yourself, you can plan many nights without “breaking the bank. It just means you may have to be a little creative.

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This is my beef on behalf of all the serious daters out there. There is a great feature on Jretromatch that most members do not take advantage of and that would greatly ease the frustrations of the matchmakers and members. Next to your picture on the main page is a status button. This allows you to change your status from available to busy or out of town. That way you will not get matches when you are too busy to date or unavailable saving the matchmakers and the members you are matched up with a lot of frustrations. I don’t understand why someone would accept match right before going on vacation or before a huge important test. In both cases you will not be able to give 100% of yourself and actually give this match a try. I personally think a lot of great matches end up fiddling away because one of the members is not available and the member who is gets tired of waiting.

When you are ready to receive matches again just change your status back to available. Save a lot of frustrations by the matchmakers and members just by doing a simple click :)

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Most of the world is average looking. I see things as a bell curve with not so good looking people on one end and the most beautiful people on the other. Saying that the chances are most of the matches you will get will be average looking people who may or may not come across as being attractive to you. How many of us know of people who are good looking (maybe we are one of these people) who no matter what picture is taken, they never look so great. Maybe the person’s profile that you just got falls into that category. Maybe you should look further into the profile and not just stop at the picture.

The funny thing about attraction is that it is not solely based on looks. How many of you have either met or been on a date with a pretty hot person who at first glance you were attracted to only later after speaking to them for more then a few minutes realize that this person is not for you. If attraction was solely based on looks that person should have surely been your match but they weren’t. Saying that I think it is only fair that when a matchmaker sends you a great match but the person looks may not be perfect it still may be worth a second look. If you look at couples all around you see that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What maybe attractive to you is not to someone else and once again that is not only based on looks but also the persons personality.

How many of you met someone who you thought you would never be attracted to but slowly over time the attraction grew? This is one of the hardest things about online dating in that it only represents a 2D view of someone (which is way your profile is so important!). If you first inclination is to decline based solely on looks , maybe come back to the profile a day later and look at it again. Ask a matchmaker a question about the person or why they chose this person for you. You maybe very surprised in the end with your results :)

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I know this is a subject that no one really wants to consider, and one that has been discussed before. But, it should be, spoken about again.  Sometimes it is very difficult to meet someone in your own community, especially depending on where you are living. Relocation is very difficult, but if you want to meet someone, you may have to consider all options.

Think about it, if you where on vacation and met someone that you felt was the right person, would you think twice about pursuing the relationship? Probably not. Some things to think about for all of you.

Depending on who the higher earner is, maybe the other person can make the move. Or who has the career that they can find another position for similar amount of earning potential? For some communter marriages work for awhile as well.

Just keep your options open.

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Some of us out there are very open people and love to share. This goes for both men and women.  A lot of people out there will scare away potential matches just based on what they talked about either in the first phone call or first date. Here I am going to make a list of subjects that in my opinion should NEVER be talked about on the first date/phone call.

1. EXs- This person you are meeting does not know you and does not need to hear all about your ex (spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend). I know that it maybe something on your chest that you want to get off but complaining /whining on a first date is a real turn off. No one wants to hear it.

2. Work problems or any other grievances you have with the world- You are going out on the date to be able to get to know each other and not to hear about each others problems. No one wants to date someone who always complains or has loads of problems. Instead of talking about yourself, ask them a question about them and comment on what they said.

3. Sex- I know I was quite shocked when I heard from some of my members that their match brought up the subject of sex on the first date. Sex is not something that should be brought up on the first date. I know it is an important part of your relationship but trust me it can wait until the relationship starts to develop. 

One of the biggest complaints by both men and women is that either the match never asked them questions and sat silently or only talked about themselves. Remember a conversation entails two people talking and asking each other questions. Have some questions ready if you feel that you might be to nervous to converse easily.

Good Luck!�

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