CAT | Jewish dating service
I thought I would share an article I came read recently about “Digital Dating” great tips that I hope will help you.
Six Rules for Digital Dating
Sage advice from Aish.com’s dating experts.
by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.
- “If he’s in Oregon and I’m in Chicago, can we have our first few dates over Skype before we decide to meet each other in person?”
- “When someone suggests a woman for me to date, I check her Facebook page before deciding yes or no. What do you think of this?”
- “I once texted a guy for six hours and felt we had an incredible connection. I never heard from him again. How can I keep this from happening the next time?”
- “How can I know someone I’m emailing is a safe person to date, or that he’s not married, in prison, or too socially awkward to ever meet?”
Technology has fundamentally altered the way we communicate. We can send messages, update our social network, and share in a world-full of information with one click of a mouse.
But all this comes at a price. Because we’re accustomed to communicating in 140 characters or less, we expect that an “instant” connection will lead to an instant relationship. What happens fast is often superficial, and we are losing the ability to develop a relationship gradually and move it to the next step.
Relationships that are meant to endure don’t instantly materialize. They take time to nurture and develop, and if we don’t have the tools and patience, a relationship that holds genuine promise will likely end up nowhere.
Daters who are serious about developing a meaningful relationship are advised to follow these six rules:
The attention directed toward your date has been shattered.
(1) No digital diversions. When you’re on a date, don’t text or email anyone, or answer a text or chat message. Your Blackberry or smartphone should be turned off and put out of sight. Similarly, keep your cellphone off (no, “silent mode” is insufficient). You may feel the need to be connected and available every moment of the day, but that prevents you from connecting to the person sitting across the table. If you allow these outside distractions to enter your “dating space,” the energy and attention that you’re supposed to be directing exclusively toward your date has been shattered. That’s bound to give a bad first impression – and build resentment at any stage of the relationship.
(2) No over-texting. Texting is a great way to say, “Bus running late. Meet u in 20 min.” It’s not a substitute for spoken communication. If our default communication is texts, tweets and Facebook posts, we might think we know a lot about the person and are growing closer.
This is a false sense of intimacy, because the texts and tweets don’t convey the sender’s tone or mood. We can’t really get to know someone without spending time together – sharing experiences, observing body language, facial expressions, and engaging in a face-to-face exchange of ideas and feelings. These are essential, intangible elements of social interaction. We don’t know if the personal chemistry is in sync, or if we are capable of having a real-time conversation.
Use texting only for short messages about where and when to meet, sudden changes of plans, or a quick “Hi, thinking of you” on a day that you’re not seeing each other.
(3) Don’t delay the first live meeting. It’s fine to exchange basic information online, but as soon as you get a sense this might be a good person to meet, follow up on their references and arrange for a meeting. When two people “date online” for months, without arranging to meet, they may feel as if they’re personally relating. Yet often when they finally do meet for the first time, they are disappointed that the other person doesn’t look, sound, or act like the mental picture they’ve developed. And often, the dissonance between that “image” and the reality is too large to overcome – and they are blocked from ever being able to accept the other person.
(4) Don’t use email as a substitute for going on dates. Once you’ve met, email may be a good way to keep in touch when you can’t interact in person, but the way to build a relationship is through live conversation. Skype and video chat are good alternatives when geographic distance precludes seeing each other often, but they cannot replace face-to-face dating. Even something as simple as planning a date should be done on the telephone; firing off a quick text message might be perceived as treating the whole date too flippantly.
(5) Don’t rely exclusively on social networking sites. The web is a good way to get a general idea of whether or not to date someone. But a two-dimensional photo doesn’t capture what a person really looks like, and reading a profile doesn’t give enough information about what they’re really like. Find out information about a potential date the old fashioned way – by talking to people who know them. Otherwise, you might waste a lot of time emailing someone with an appealing Facebook page, but who is far from what you’re looking for. Alternatively, you might pass up a great opportunity.
(6) Don’t break up electronically. Yes, it’s hard telling someone, “It was nice to meet you, but I don’t think this is going to work out.” But a virtual break-up is much more hurtful to the other party. If you’ve ever been at the receiving end of such a text message or email, you know the feeling.
So while technology has dramatically increased the quantity of information exchange, it has undeniably undermined the quality. It also negatively affects our attention spans, which means those trying to develop a connection may have a hard time sustaining meaningful conversation. They’re accustomed to communicating in short spurts, rather than taking the time to explore a subject in-depth, understand and convey emotions, and engage in a prolonged exchange of thoughts and ideas.
So when it comes to dating, try to get out of that instant-message mindset. It may be a bit “old-fashioned,” but it is essential to building a successful, long-term relationship and marriage.
The Jewish Dating today has taken on the modern dating scenario,and now is getting in on all the on-line serives available. Many new Jewish Dating sites are coming about. If you are religious – try Sawyouatsinai , or if more traditional to secular – Jretromatch. With everyone being so busy today – between social responsibilities – work and just life in general dating has taken a step back. So what way can you use the modern technology and as you are surfing the net – have the potential for “surfing” for a date.
Social Networking is the wave of today and the future - and Jewish Dating become part of it.
You want to meet someone in another city, country what a better way then using the on-line services for this. If you don’t have the time to “surf” on your own having a matchmaker which these site’s do, can make it even easier. So start surfing and have fun oyu can’t find your partner in the traditional way – try on-line dating
It has been some time since my last post – I guess after so many years of writing it is difficult to try to come up with things to speak about in the Jewish Dating world.
SO today I want to just add a few words…I am tired of hearing “I really am committed for a long term relationship to lead to marriage” – then when speaking you give me a list of what you are looking for that are so..unrealistic ..or you admit that you are “picky” =
WAKE-UP you are not getting any younger – marriage is compromise – if you can’t even start a relationship with that then how do you expect to stay committed. No one is perfect – you or your future partner. COMPROMISE
and if you can’t then ask yourself if you really are ready or just think you are …
Jewish Dating is serious – and people do want to meet someone for a committed relationship – so if you can’t compromise or committ then stay away from the serious Jewish Dating site’s
As a matchmaker I speak to so many people who “say” they really want to meet someone for a committed relationship that could lead to marriage. So lets first look at this.
My interests and what I was looking for: I am active, love to travel and would love to continue to explore the world with my husband – see new places and meet new people find out about different cultures. Love to go hiking, skiiing, and be out doors. Enjoy the indoors as well and love to settle down on the couch with a good book – or do crafts. Love family and enjoy spending time with my huge extended family. Love to gather for Shabbat meals, and holidays.
Okay so I meet my future husband, didn’t travel, he was a runner – our taste in music was different, he was not that close with his family, our religious beliefs where similar.
Reality: We made Aliyah, with no family around. Time to travel – welcome to the real world. I am lucky to go away for a few days in Israel and our “Vacations” are returning to see our family. I work from home – and do this throughout the day 7 days a week, as I also have fit in taking kids to appointments, “chuggim” run the errands, cook dinner, reality check – when you are married with kids, and I believe most people do say this is what they want, that becomes your life.
What should you be looking for – someone who will be there for you when the kids are sick and you need to get up in the middle in the night – the diaper changes – someone who is open to helping you out – share the morning routine – getting lunches ready – one cooks dinner – one cleans up – a shoulder to cry on when you are so down and tired -
If you are lucky – you can catch some alone time – but you probably have to schedule it in. Go out for dinner, or a walk together.
So instead of saying what you like and don’t like – how about changing it to the type of person you are looking for. The characteristic of the person. Someone who together you can build a family, a life together.
Yes you still want to do certain things and go places. But lets face it – when you are married your priorities do change. It is time to settle back and realize that – don’t wait around for the “perfect” person. Look for the person that will be caring and supportive.
Jewish Dating is difficult enough, it is time to wake up and face the reality – and if you are serious about marriage, then hopefully you will.
There is help out there. Having a matchmaker work with you to help make you understand and be realistic in your dating can help. Speak with us, and when we offer suggestions, realize it is because we want to see you go to the next stage. Speak to your married friends, and open up to the reality. So if you want the help sign up for Jretromatch or Sawyouatsinai and together we can help you find your future.
One of the major frustrations with on-line dating – or can it just be dating in general is the follow-up. You see a potential match – and you are really excited and then, the wait. Will they contact you? Or you contact the person and then the wait? Will they return your call?
Some of the benefits of being on a site is that you have a person (a matchmaker) that you can be in touch with – can contact them to find out what is going on. If you haven’t heard from the person, if you have questions or even if you have gone out and need the unbiased opinion to help you in the dating process.
Join Jretromatch or Sawyouatsinai, we may not have all the answers, or it may not be where you will find your match (beshert) but with over 1000 successful matches to date we can do our best to make you one of our success stories
How a person carries and presents themselves in public can be a way to meet someone? So if you want to meet, how can you attract someone – in Jewish Dating? If you are confident in your self this will come out when you are in public, and this can attract people towards you. These few steps can help you finding a partner.
Think about who you are – and try to find inner happiness. Get to know who you are and go out there and do the thing you enjoy to doing. Don’t wait around for others try to be more confident in you.
If you are unsure about something – don’t hide away from it – take a deep breath and push yourself to go out there
Don’t rely on other’s to make you happy – if you want to do something go for it. If you wait around and just put yourself behind your desk or at home on your couch this won’t give you the opportunity to meet people.
Try to be with people that make you feel good about yourself and what you do, be positive this will come across when you meet people.
Go out and enjoy the things you like to do – this will also put you with others who enjoy the same things and will give you the opportunity to meet people with similar interests.
Most important though, is really find out who “you” are, and if you don’t like what you see in the mirror then maybe it is time to make a few changes. Think positive – but also be happy with who you are and where you are in your life. Don’t have unrealistic expectations,
What to do when the situation is getting desperate.
You want to meet – but not sure how to – you have been doing the “dating scene” but tired of the bars. Where can you go? Many options exist out there – but you have to take a pro-active role and be serious. You also have to be realistic as you do not know which option will work for you. From the on-line site’s - to adventure clubs, to casual meeting through friends, or co-worker’s
Ask around – see how your friends met there partner, you will get many answers. You don’t know where your time or place will be. But go out and meet people – network .
The problems occur more when you say you want to meet – and then you just sit around – or you go out on the dates – but you can’t make the commitment. Is it that you are always figuring that there could be someone better, smarter, richer, better looking
Open up your criteria – no one is perfect. Look at yourself in the mirror as well – are you?
It is that time again – we have just spent the last week reflecting at the year we just completed. We look hard at ourselves and ty to ask for forgiveness, but we also look at what we want for the coming year. Jewish Dating is difficult as we know – but another year has gone and where some of you are dating – other’s, well it is time to really consider what you want.
Don’t let another year go by – do what you can to make this year – the year to finding your partner. Join dating sites, like Sawyouatsinai if you are more religious, Jretromatch if a little less, go to Speed-dating – join your local activities – just get out there to meet.
It is time to stop thinking of your ideal match – and just look at the person and see if they can be there for you – support you – love you.
Jewish Dating On-Line many people are trying it to meet that special someone – as a Matchmaker we hear -”we want to meet someone with this type of personality, or someone who is sensitive, caring considerate. Not “cheap”. Certain personality traits can not be found out by a phone call. Even though our service – Jretromatch - has at least one benefit over some of the other sites, as we actually speak with our members to get a better “sense” of who they are, we still may not “pick-up” certain character traits that so many people are asking us for.
Were on-line dating may not be the perfect situation for everyone, it can be the first step for introduction. What was blind-dating so many years ago, at least now you have the opportunity to review a brief profile, and photo’s prior to accept a match.
I still find though, that with on-line dating people become more “picky” because they have the profile they can reveiw and decide by just a short few paragraphs if this person is for them. Unless there is really very specific things mentioned – how they want to raise a family, political orientation that may be so different then your own, a specific trait that you don’t get along with – why not accept the potential match. A phone call is the next step, and then you can discuss certain issues that are important to you – and find out if there could be more potential.
In Jewish Dating – I some times believe that the Orthodox community has a better outlook on dating. When you find out that someone has gotten engaged only after 3-10 dates…how could this be, how can someone consider marriage after such a short time, how can someone really know a person after only a few dates, how…
Well, the dating is different, the discussion is values, what you want and see for your future, is this person good, kind, considerate. Yes there may even be checking the people out before they go out to see if there is potential for this match.
The dating is not spending two years ( or more) going out and having fun, dinner dates, social activities, vacations together to see if we can live together”. Take this out of the picture – during this time – you may have fun, travel around, but are you also speaking with each other, and figuring out if you have the same “plans”, expectations of what you want in a marriage?
Dating is difficult, no matter how you go out and search for your partner. But before you actual date, really decide why are you dating. Is it for a casual relationship – to have the fun with someone so you are not on your own? Or is it to meet your future partner? When you really decide why you want to date, then when it come’s to on-line dating or any other method, don’t “kid” yourself, you may actual have met and because you where to “picky” they are no longer available.
If you are not ready to work hard, trying everything possible and be committed to dating – then take a step back.
Dating is hard work – Lets look at some of the standard responses to not wanting to go out: Jewish Dating can be even more difficult as you also want to find someone that will be compatible with your religious beliefs.
* not physically attracted to them.
Okay lets look at this – physical attraction. How can you really tell by the photo. I receive emails from so many people how after they have met someone that the person didn’t look anything like there photo..so if you are declining a match for this, think again. How many people meet and say they where not physically attracted to each other and over time once seeing how the person was – chemisty and attraction grew and made it work
Speak to your friends, family and co-workers. Are there partners exactly the personality they wanted. We are all different. Maybe meeting some so totally different, can bring the balance of the relationship together
Distance is hard – but if this is the only way to meet someone – isn’t it worth the sacrifices – the financial means – the travel, if you end up together.
* not religious enough/ too religious
I realize this is difficult as some people don’t want a person that is “finding” themselves. But you can open up a little to someone a little more or less. When you are married you end choosing how you want to practice, especially when you have children. This is something that you can also work together and finding your comfort zone. Or if you are flexible and open to someone a little more or less then your self as long as you respect each other within your belief’s.
Bottom line. Dating is hard work – but you have to really work at it. Don’t spend the time if you are not serious. If you are serious then use every option available out there. Dating site’s, single’s events, matchmaking services , speed-dating the list goes on..