Jewish Dating Blog | The inside scoop – Jewish Dating wisdom from the Matchmaker

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When you meet someone and are interested, the first questions are not usually,

* how old you are

* do you have children

* where do you live

But somehow with on-line dating these are the questions that everyone is focused on. How about trying to overlook this. Maybe the chances of meeting someone will be a little easier if these questions are not the priorities. Does it really matter if the person is younger/older then you were hoping, if they have or don’t have children, and if they live to far and you are compatible, then you can make it work.

Get to know the person first, and then all the other things could probably work out as well. No relationship will be ideal, and to find a person that you connect with is not easy. So forget about all the other “outside” issues and just get to know the person. The bigger issues can then fall into place, and if they can’t be worked out, well, then the relationship just wasn’t meant to be.

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This is just a quick tip for those of you current and potential members of Jretromatch.com Take a look at your search criteria and make sure of two things

1.They should accurately reflect what you are looking.

2. They should not be too stringent. It is always best to be a bit more flexible with your choices then strict that way other matchmakers will get your profile when they are looking for their members. Let the matchmaker use her discretion to see if the match is a good one or not. Warning! Don’t leave the choices all open that way too many matches will show up and not allow the matchmaker to find a great match easily.

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Okay now, it’s time to get serious. Men, what do you expect? A woman who is divorced with children, where do you think her children will be? If you are willing to date someone divorced with children, that usually means they will be in her home, if not full time then 1/2 time. Woman, the same goes for you.

Most people today do have joint custody, or at least visitation. So if you are ready to meet someone divorced, then there is a good chance there will be children in the picture as well. I see and speak to so many people who are willing to date someone only if the kids don’t live in the home. Reality check, where will they live?

As you get older, the chances of meeting someone divorced will be quite high, and with that could be there children. It is one more obstacle, but stepchildren are worth it, especially when you consider this may be your future partner you may be saying no too.

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Let’s get a discussion going. There is so much talk about First Dates’s. Where should you go, what you should do, and trying to be creative.

As a matchmaker, and as a woman, I feel that the man should pay for the first date. If you can’t afford too much, then don’t spend it, first dates don’t have to be going to expensive restaurents or shows. But paying for the first date, shows that this is a date, not a platonic relationship. It show’s a little romance.

Future dates, can be shared, or this can be discussed between you. But guys, take out the wallet on the first date. What do you think? Lets hear from you.

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It is always difficult to try to come up with a great place or thing to do on a first date. You want to make sure you have the maximum conversation time with the minimum cost. There are a few things to consider:

1. Privacy- You want to make sure you pick a place that has enough privacy so that you both can talk comfortably. Don’t go to the latest hang out where you will be sure to bump into a dozen friends and don’t pick a place that has no where that you can talk quietly.

2. Distractions- You want to pick a place that will have least amount of distractions for you. That means no loud noises, no packed house and no form of entertainment (movie, play etc…). The point of a first date is to get to know someone not watch the latest movie, save that for later.

3. Cost- To avoid the awkwardness of who is going to pay for what, make the first date in a relatively inexpensive location. I personally don’t believe anyone no matter how wealthy they are should have to pay for 100$ for a first date. Save it for when it counts.

4. Location- Try to make it in the most convenient location for the both of you. If you live some distance away from each other meet half way somewhere.

Here are some of my favorite locations for a first date:

1. Park/beach- bring a little bit of food, maybe a bottle of wine and cheese and just enjoy getting to know each other.

2. Cafe- Find a cute little intimate cafe (not the local starbucks) that has some nice little quiet tables in the back.

3. Lounge/bar/restaurant- some of these places have a meeting area that people can talk and have a drink. Make sure it does not have music blasting. Hotel bars are great for this since they usually have loads of private comfortable places to sit.

4. Mini golf/bowling- There is nothing like a good game of mini-golf and bowling to get people to break down the awkwardness between them. No one can help laughing and having fun.

5. Museums- Try to find out which type of museum he/she likes and catch a  great exhibit. You can walk and talk at the same time :) Enjoy! 

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All of you stop for a moment and think about what I have to say. No multi- tasking for a bit, no speaking on the phone while reading. I want you all to take 5 minutes and try to really think about what is important to you in a match and what are the things that you are looking for in a match. Take out a piece a paper and write them down. Now look at the list, do some of them seem not so important once you read them? Are some them STOPPING you from meeting a great guy or girl? 

Let’s try to think about what is important to look for and what should be on that list.

1. Goals – It is important to find someone who has a similar life vision as you do. I don’t mean you have to both want to finish a marathon, but you both should want to take your life in similar directions. If she only wants to travel the world and he only wants to settle down and move to the suburbs chances are things won’t work out at this time.

2. Similar Values- To make a relationship work people need to have similar values. Personally I think the more similar the easier the relationship in the end.

3. Personality- This is a hard one to pinpoint but I think that the more you date the better idea you get for what type of personality meshes best with yours. It can be that up till now you have being going out with mostly extroverted people and that seems to be what you need but maybe someone more introverted would work as well. As I said it is mostly through experience that you will get a feel for what is best for you. You should always be looking for someone who is open to change and a great communicator, two of the most important things needed in a relationship.

4. Attraction- yes attraction is important but try not to make it into a list. You can only really tell if you are attracted to someone after you have met and spent time with them.

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I am sure you have all heard of people who have dated someone a few years back and things didn’t work out only to met again and then get married. What changed? A lot of things could of changed. Both people might have done a lot of introspection since then and matured as a person. Also the more we date, the more we get a clearer picture of what is important to us in our mate. It might be that 5 years earlier you were obsessed with finding someone who was over 6 feet and he was only 5″10 so you broke up with him ( Don’t laugh, I encounter this everyday with declines).

In short, what I am trying to get to is that sometimes, it might be a good idea to take another look at matches that were suggested to you awhile back. It might be at the time that the matchmaker suggested them to you, it was not a good time for you or you were busy with other matches. You can also take a second look at matches that you spoke to but never met for whatever reason. In all cases just ask your matchmaker to re-suggest this person to you so you can see their profile again.

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The Runaway Bride – have you seen the movie? Well how many of you feel this way, you get so close and then just run? Why is this? What are you afraid of, the C word – the M word? Maybe it is time to take a step back and look at your priorities. What are you looking for, and why are you running scared.

Is it that you are not ready for a relationship, or not ready for the the stages that it will lead to? Time to reconsider what you really want, and stop being afraid ,time to take the plunge and the steps to getting there.

If you fall into this category maybe it is time to speak to someone that can help you overcome these fears, either a friend or therapist. Just don’t waist too much more time.

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I have heard this story way too many times now. Girl or boy calls match, the person on the phone is aloof and doesn’t sound to interested. They make up excuses that the match is not so great because of A, B or C ( this is even after they accepted the match!!). Without even giving things a shot, they have turned away a potential match. You wonder why so many people get frustrated with dating!?

What is happening here? Why are people throwing away good opportunities? Why is it that these same people then come back and complain that they don’t have any matches? To me it seems like some form of self-sabotage, that they may be afraid to really find their match.  If you have been guilty of acting in this way try to really think why you did it. Is it really because you thought he/she wasn’t going to be cute? Try to give each match a fair chance. Be positive and open-minded and dating will be over all a much more positive experience.

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Don’t expect to find a relationship where everything will be perfect. You will have to work at it, and you could have many difference’s of opinions. Relationships bring two people together, and it will take work to make this relationship work. Sometimes, there can be some emotionally difficult times. Knowing that beforehand can save you from confusion or disappointment. But don’t think that because there is these differences that it can’t be worked on, if it is the right one, then together you will be able to work out those differences and move on to a very healthy time together.

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