Thought I would share this with you:
A few thoughts on how to better navigate the dating scene.
1. Be Open
At a singles gathering I approached a woman I know and asked if she would go out with a young man standing across the room. I had previously met him and knew him to be considerate, intelligent and a working professional.
As we spoke, her friend walked over and interjected her opinion.
“Him?” she said. “Ugh. I would never let you date him! He is a total TWOT”.
“A TWOT?” I asked. “What’s a TWOT?”
She looked at me and explained. “A TWOT is a Total Waste Of Time”.
They walked away and no introduction was made. Maybe nothing would’ve come out of their meeting, who knows? But I wonder how many dates never happen because of a dismissive remark from a friend, a rolling of the eyes, or a look of contempt. How often does someone share information that does not allow another to accept a date? Just because this person was not right for you does not mean that he or she would not be right for your friend. Your sarcastic remark or casual putdown just ruined it for someone else.
Don’t allow the views of another to prevent you from finding love. Be open to meeting new people even if your friends don’t believe this is the right one for you. Make an effort to break out of the box you have put yourself in. If you keep on dating the same type of personality without success, ask yourself if now is the time to be open to meeting a different sort of individual. Maybe you are stuck with an unrealistic picture of who your soul mate is.
2. Be Positive about Yourself
Torah teaches us “Love others as you love yourself.” Loving yourself is not a selfish love. It means that you are aware of your strengths and you know that you can make a difference in this world. Building strong relationships with another person begins when we have built a solid relationship with ourselves. Don’t be overly harsh on yourself. Focus on your positive traits. Radiate confidence; it’s attractive. If you do not love and feel good about who you are, why would the person you are dating feel differently?
A very attractive career woman came to meet with me about finding her soul mate. She felt that she was doing something wrong in her dating life. As soon as we began our conversation, I noticed that she radiated a sadness and defeatist attitude whenever she spoke about her romantic prospects. It was as if she gave off a message that she did not think she would ever find her bashert. She was carrying years of baggage with her. Without realizing it, she had been broadcasting that she felt awful about her chances of finding true love. Men felt her negative vibes. It was almost as if she was saying, “You won’t want me, just like the rest of them.” By transforming her attitude, she would give herself a positive emotional makeover.
3. Pay Attention to Your Body Language
You’d be surprised at how many of us totally ignore the signals we send out through our body language and actions.
Here are some ideas to think about before you go on your next date.
Show that you are interested. Smile. Maintain eye contact. Don’t fidget with your hair. Turn off your phone and stop checking your texts. Don’t keep scanning the room to see who else is there. You will seem bored and disinterested. Dress up for your date-at least show that you care enough to be well groomed and not wear stained or wrinkled clothing. It’s not about being shallow; it’s about taking care of your teeth, your hair, your shoes, and the way you wish to transmit your persona.
4. Work on Communication Skills
Communicating is not just about talking, it is also about listening.
Some of us know how to tell over a really good story but we forget how to listen. Give the other person a chance to speak and offer their opinions. Watch that you are not constantly interrupting. If you do not agree with a point of view or feel strongly about your own opposing convictions, try not to let the conversation get heated through an acrimonious tone. Watch that you are not coming off as judgmental.
A shy person may find it more difficult to share emotions, but even if you are introverted, you can add to the conversation. Show your personality by sharing an exciting incident that happened to you or ideas that you are passionate about. These are ice breakers and wonderful ways to keep a conversation going. Ask questions-most people enjoy talking about their interests.
You may not feel that this person is for you, but you should attempt to try and get to know the person anyway. Acting as if we just want to go home leaves us with a lost opportunity to gain insight and understanding. We can grow richer from every encounter we have in life. We are taught this lesson so beautifully in Ethics of the Fathers: Ben Azzai used to say, “Do not be scornful of any person and do not be disdainful of anything, for you have no person without his hour and no thing without its place. “
5. Make Time, Make an Effort
You need to make dating a priority in your life. You may feel that you know everyone out there so what’s the point in going to this mixer or that class… but there is a point. Staying home and watching Downton Abbey or your favorite sports team will not help you on your quest for love. Get out of your comfort zone and embrace the moment. You never know who you will meet. Your soul mate may even be a friend of a friend whom you meet that night. Be positive about blind dates; wonderful marriages have been made despite the couple being introduced and not finding each other on their own. Effort means we don’t just try to fit our desire to get married into our busy life.
When we say that we struggle to find the time to date between our packed work, friends and gym schedule, it means that we haven’t made dating and marriage our number one goal.
Though we cannot always determine where life takes us, we can make sure that we try our hardest to navigate the road successfully. Taking a good look at ourselves and making real changes in both attitude and action can help us build a life filled with joy and blessing.
We all know that in order to get married you will have to meet someone and date. The couple actually have to meet, and agree to the match. You should be ready when you date to make a committed relationship work, and decide if you are ready for marriage or if you just want to date casually. If you want the casual relationship – then please don’t agree to go out with someone who is marriage minded and committed.
When you are dating you want to see if the person is compatible, how do you go about this? Choosing a place especially at the beginning to meet and talk to find out if there is enough to move forward. You want to discuss what you re looking for – and what and where you can see yourself in the future. If you find that there are similar goals, and you are both serious this will be the start for building a great beginning. By meeting someone casually and taking years to date, and decide – why, are you really dating to determine if this person is for you – do you wait for months to decide to speak about what you are looking for in a spouse, a partner?
If you start with the basics then you have what to build on the relationship, the ideas of the traditional – religious approach to dating can be used. Meet, talk and go out – don’t spend so many “dates” trying to impress each other – for men taking and spending so much to be creative in a date where you have a great time but don’t even speak to each other. This is something for later on – when you know it is the “right” person – then go and have the fun and together build and enjoy the time together, and most important your future together.
Understanding a little more of how the dating scene works today can also assist us in finding a suitable partner. Some people find that they have a steady group of people and continuously meet others. While there are those that just can’t seem to find the right person.
Some woman could be going a little overboard. In attempting to attract the men they become so obsessed with their appearance, the right outfit, or even the make-up they are wearing that they tend to forget who they are. Best way is to try to be as natural as possible, don’t overdue the make-up or outfit, be who you are.
You also want to keep conversation moving and don’t divulge everything about yourself. You want to keep in interesting that you can have more to speak about the next time. Ask questions from each other so the conversation can flow and you can find out enough about each other to see if there is interest to move forward.
Men don’t feel you have to spend so much on the first date; you don’t have to make such an impression. Staying casual and having a nice, relaxing place to speak is what you should look for. Not with the music blaring that you can’t even hear other. Leave the impressing for later on, if the relationship moves forward. But even then do things that you are interesting in and ask what she likes as well – so you can find things together to enjoy. Being creative doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. If you really can’t afford the extravagant plans don’t show her that, you also have to be realistic with each other.
For both – you want to show who you are, be up front and honest with each other, and be as a natural as possible.
Unless it is for scheduling a date – that you are running late – a reminder…
Texting is not something to be used as a form of communication to each other – speaking to each other either by a phone call or better yet in person is the means to get to know someone. Once you are in a relationship if you decide together that texting can help in certain situations then go ahead.
We are moving away from proper means of communication with modern technology – when it comes to dating to really find out about each other, and know if the person is for you – it comes to some old fashion ways, communication through voice.
It may take awhile to get use, but if you are looking for a person to be with, spend your life with – you will require to know how to communicate verbally especially at the beginning
Dating gets expensive – and with so many other expensive as well it is not necessary to send so much money on dating. You can be creative, and keep the costs down here are just a few to get you going
Some great reasonably priced activities:
Walk in the park: Every city has some great parks – take a stroll around enjoy the scenery and maybe pack up a picnic lunch and have a nice time
Coffee Shop: Great place to hang out enjoy a hot drink and have a chat – some also have nice outdoor area – if the weather is good for it
Enjoy your city or the surrounding area.: Find a nice area to go and walk around – check out your local sites and/or sounds.
Explore a local market: Walk through and enjoy
Bike ride or run: Depending if you are into fitness go take out the bikes – enjoy a run together.
Local events: Every city especially around the holidays has reasonably priced activities going on check out the local paper..
After a few dates a fun way to get together with another couple or two – board games – can be a great way to really get to know one another and see how the interaction is between your friends.
Jewish Dating is difficult enough do we need to get so hung up on the physical – isn’t beauty skin deep? Isn’t beauty different for everyone? Isn’t dating beautiful woman (or men) just part of what you should want, why does it seem that more and more people are focusing on the physical over the attributes that are more important?
Yes attraction is important – and the chemistry has t o be there but if all the other attributes for what you are looking for – why not at least give it a chance. Go out a few more times – over time we all get older, heavier, skinnier, greyer, or bald, what will remain will be the qualities that you started with.
That is what you should be looking for the qualities that make the person, not the physical take a chance go out of your physical range maybe you will be surprised
Hope this can help some of you out there…
This Recently Married Man Just Realized Marriage Is Not For Him. You Have To Read What He Wrote.
This is Seth Adam Smith and his wife, Kim. They’ve been married a year and a half, and Seth just realized: marriage is not for him.
He realized it’s MUCH more than that. This is a recent entry from his blog. It’s well worth reading.
Marriage Isn’t For You
Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
I have written about this before – SHOPPING LIST IN JEWISH DATING. – we all have things that we are looking for in a partner, physically, personality, whatever, but take your list and get rid of it. Or I will honestly say- look at it closely – other then things that are so important – that you really feel you can or can’t compromise on then those can be up for discussion…
I want to share with you an email I just received from a member on the Jretromatch site…she had changed her status to Engaged and I emailed her to say Mazel Tov and ask her how she met her finance..
We were introduced on the website “______My fiancé was actually on Jretromatch too, but we probably never would have gotten matched up because “on paper” he doesn’t fit what I thought I was looking for. We are a perfect example of the clique “when you throw out the list, you’ll meet the one.”
SO there you have it – it happened to me – it happened to her…maybe you will be the next one
Height…I need a man over 6′ because I like to wear heels….time to shorten the heels how many Jewish men are really over 6′
Salary…I don’t generally ask what a members income is – but if you want a high earner and the 6 figure’s you could be loosing out on many potential matches. Today the high earners are also the ones that could be laid off, many men can be great guys – still support a family and earn less, don’t make this a deal breaker. Money does not always bring happiness.
Style of Dress: This can’t be a deal breaker – take them shopping and help him/her out – when I dated my husband one of the first things I did was to go to his room and sort out his clothes. Most went to the local drop box. He still dresses conservative, no style and has a limited wardrobe, the good thing about it, he doesn’t care and spends little ( more for the rest of the family)
Men I know you want someone in good shape – looks great – skinny -thin – athletic. Now go forward 10 years, after a few children, chances of remaining that way? Yes you have to be attracted to her – but it is more important to find the qualities you are looking for – this should not be a deal breaker ( this goes for the woman as well)
Names: same name as my father/mother/ sister/brother/ ex/someone I remember from school that I didn’t like…..if they are the person for you what difference does it make
Bottom line : Be open, be honest with yourself and look more for the qualities that you desire in a person.