This is a response I wrote to a member of mine after he was commenting on the frustrations of dating and how he never though he would still be single….
I can relate – I was voted to be the first in my high school class to be married – I was the 2nd to last – and got married at 40..there are NO answers to any of this – as after 7 years of matchmaking – over 20 years of dating – even though they now give me a credit for being an “expert” I really don’t think anyone can be. It is just pure “Mazel” when the time is for anyone to meet.
As for being “cool” – when a dear friend of mine met my husband – he came to me and said – never thought he would be your type expected you to be with this “cool” guy…my husband mister conservative – we are so….different in so many aspects…but somehow we make it work. Can I answer or give you advise …no real answer – unfortunetly – I can just say do what you can network – use everything you can – and just be the best person you can be – and know that you are doing what you can..as you said – you are at a good place in your life..and no you are not the only one…I hear this from so…many men and woman, so it is not unique.
Why are there so many singles out there…I think for some of the reasons ..so many got caught up with school – exams – careers – and by the time they are available years later and older – expectations are now a little different..people are more set in there ways – for some maybe a little more selfish – and for others just looking for their “ideal” relationship which to be honest I don’t think really exists.
Is this the asnwer you want to hear – I am sure not – but there is only one person who has the answer’s and I know it is not me…
This isn’t so much dating advise but a story to share with you – I hope you will learn something from it:
When I hear people are still looking for there ideal match, I want to ask them so many questions. Do you expect to meet the perfect person? Are we perfect? Everyone has some flaws – how can we go into a relationship without trying to compromise? Marriage is all about compromise, working hard – it is probably the most difficult thing in our lives, or will be – to make a good marriage great.
If you ask most of your friends – will they answer that they have a great marriage – or it can be a little better. I think today with all the modern technology we are loosing our way to communicate – communication of the voice. Speaking to each other, instead of texting – emailing – messaging, it is time to talk and communicate with each other to find out if there is enough mutual similarities to make it work.
Marriage: I know of a couple who spent 57 years arguing – about the big and small things.
Woman: Clean fanatic who would vacuum three times a day, use a sponge in the bathroom sink to clean up after each use, everything in its place. Taught her children to put away there clothes – but convinced when they left for school went into the rooms to straighten up (as no children had that clean a room). Had a house full of people, during all the holidays, open door policy for friends, relatives and anyone who wanted, including the animals that some how ended up in the house. Managed to do all this as the husband traveled for a living coming home on weekends – and sometimes being gone weeks at a time, when the distance was to great to make it home.
Man: His idea of clean was leaving the newspapers piling up for days, clothes thrown all around. Wasn’t around too much to teach the children – but when he was he was, they had good and bad memories. If he couldn’t handle things or if the kids did anything wrong he tended to yell. Enjoyed the people around the house as much as she did, and had no problem if relatives, friends or animals where around.
Together they brought up children – kept the extended family around, made a home for many. They traveled each summer and winter together with the kids, even if it was getting in a car and traveling for hours to visit family who moved away. Planned a European Vacation for the family which took them 5 years to save for, just so everyone could be together for quality time.
The woman wasn’t too healthy but with all her times in the hospital the man was constantly by her side. As they got older and the health issues got worse for both of them, he was by her side, including cleaning up after her.
This couple, my parents, they may have not had the great marriage, but they had a good one. My mother passed away last week, and my father cried, for loosing his wife and best friend. They survived the marriage and I only hope that I can say one day that my husband and I can do for each other in the end what my parents did for one another.
Marriage is hard work, and if everyone’s expectations while dating are that they are looking for the perfect relationship, I doubt you will find it. Look for someone that will have the personality to stay with you, work through the differences, be there for each other in the good times and bad. Be open with each other, and trust one another, that is what will work.
In memory of Raizel bas Chana B”H (you are missed)
Modern Technology can help but also hinder the world of Jewish Dating. With the technology we have today it is easy to communicate with people – date distance – and the use of many dating site’s available can improve the ways to meeting people. SKYPE – Messenger - Video communication can make a date – though distance possible. You can even plan a romantic dinner – being many miles apart through a SKYPE call.
Smart Phone’s bring you access to each other in moments with all the different possibilities, why then is Jewish Dating so difficult?
With this modern technololgy it is causing everyone to forgot about the basic form of communication – our mouth’s. Now with texting – using internet browsing and the use of social networking to find out more information about a potential match – we could be missing out on the potential matches as what you may read give’s you the chance to determine if this person will be for you – instead of using the mouth – your voice to find and and speak with them. Seeing a person and the use of body language as a form of communication as well. This we definitely don’t get through the internet.
Texting is wonderful – for reminder’s – quick messages – but it is not meant to replace a simple phone call to find out about more about a person. When it comes to dating – put the Smart Phone’s away – go back a few years…and talk to each other through your voice.
In last week’s parsha, (Torah segment) we read about Kiryat Yam Suf – parting of the Red Sea – and the exodus to freedom. In Bereshit Rabba, Chapter 68:4, it says “To make a good match is as difficult as the parting of the Red Sea.”
If this is the situation why does everyone think that by joining a dating site, networking, going on single’s events or another other initiative that you may do to find your soul mate will be easy.
If the parting of the Red Sea– and the exodus to freedom was difficult why shouldn’t one of the most important decisions be as complicated? Don’t expect a matchmaker on a dating site to have the perfect person for you – it may happen. But is takes every possible connection, networking, and being open to try anything to meet your partner.
As a matchmaker I only hope and pray it will – but the amount of matches I have made over the years through the site and off, which has reached the 1000’s, I have been the messenger for 15 successful one’s. It is so difficult to make a match – so to have 15 successful one’s I am thrilled. So take a moment and realize – we can only do so much we are the messenger if it is meant to be that way. Look at this as your exodus, as the Jews leftEgyptfor the unexpected, but believed enough to go forward, I hope that you will also find what you are looking for.
With internet dating it is typical to be matched up with more then one person at a time. On a regular basis as a matchmaker for Sawyouatsinai and Jretromatch, I hear, please send out more matches, or how many matches can I receive? My answer tends to be – yes we can send out but we also want you to review and seriously consider matches without comparing them. We realize that not all matches will be accepted – but if one appears to be pretty suitable isn’t it worth a phone call?
The difficulty is that when you have the option to have mutliple matches – and to date more then one person at a time – do you really consider the person as a possibility as a partner – or are you thinking that there could always be another match who could be better? One date rarely leads to marriage, but meeting with someone a few times who has mutual interests, similar goals, and if there is potential it could take a little longer to develop into a relationship. Give someone a chance – don’t date too many people at once – one date, fine but if you see that you like someone and there couuld be a possibility then maybe it is best to hold off meeting the others.
It has almost been 7 years since I began the exciting “challenge” of matchmaking (Shidduchim) – in this time I have been fortunate to bring 15 couples together and have been sent photo’s of the couple’s and even had the joy of seeing the babies.
Recently one of my couples was from my community – both never met and I was the messenger (Shaliach) for this match. What an incredible feeling to bring two people together – both from the same area who didn’t know each other . I also knew the parents of each and the mother of the bride is friend of mine. So this too was just amazing through the process. When I see a match is successful I am thrilled and it bring tears to my eyes – and each match is just so incredible, but it was just so special to be able to witness the marriage.
I hope the Hashem will continue to give me this honor and may I be the shaliach for many more matches.
Summer is here, with the change of season and the nicer weather; one realizes what they may be missing out on. Walks with someone close to them, hanging out in nice outdoor café’s, good conversation, and enjoying the summer activities, with someone they can share these moments with.
So why is it that so many people don’t have this? I think you have to stop and look around for a few minutes. Are you spending so much time at the office or in the gym that you are forgetting what it takes to meet that special someone. Maybe it is time to slow down just a little and stop and think what is really important to you.
Work is important – but making the huge salaries – wanting the fancy car – the big house – is this what is so important? Or is it finding the special someone to share it all with? I am currently away for two weeks visiting my family, in a city that has grown so much over the years. The house’s included – Why is this so important is having the big house or fancy car really a status symbol? What is important? Having a home – with the ones you love.
Stop for a few moments – and open up your criteria – find alternative ways to meet someone. Network with family and friends, join an on-line dating site, you love to hike, join one of the many hiking clubs in the area. Jewish Dating is difficult enough, don’t make it more so. Don’t say you want to unless you are prepared too, and make an effort.
So slow down – go out – meet people – have fun – enjoy yourself – and maybe this summer you will find the person for you
It is Rosh Hodesh Sivan – and just days away to Shavout. What is so signicant to this?
After spending 45 days in the desert the Jew’s reached the moutain – Har Sinai. They knew that the wait was over and they became ready to receive the Torah before they could enter the Promised Land. The children of Israel gathered on the foot of the mountain and received the 10 Commandments.
All the children….it is that time: we are now gathered together and it can also be yours. Welcome to Sawyouatsinai.com - as everyone gathered for this kinship – make this Shavout your time and meet at Sinai..
It is time to get serious. as the years go on – why does it seem that everyone is still so…picky in trying to find a partner. I don’t understand how someone can think they will get – the model look – the very high earner – someone who lives withing 15 km
The model look – lets be honest how many people are the “model” why do you believe by signing up to a site that is what you will get in matches. Being realistic – I doubt it.
The very high earner – we can’t really ask a person what they make for a living – if you feel that, there are other ways of finding the higher earner – join the millionaires club..
Within 15 km – lets be honest – the chances – you have to open up a little..
Oh, and of course those that live in rural area’s – geograhically undesirable – if you haven’t found someone in your own community or close by – how do you think we could – open up the critieria, help us out.
If you are really serious then be more open, and more realistic work with us so you can get suitable matches
You decided to look at alternative ways to meet someone. Like many others – you searched and found an on-line dating site to set up your profile – such as Sawyouatsinai if you are religious or Jretromatch for those that are not so.
Now comes your profile – you completed it, added your written part of what you want others to know about you and the type of person you are looking for.
Now the photo’s – suggestion from a Matchmaker -
* make them as natural as you can
* make sure they are recent
* if you feel you are not photogenic - and decide to get some pics professionally done – that is great but don’t take glamour shots go to places that you enjoy to be at -doing activiites that you like.
and one of the most important
* DON’T SHOW PHOTO’S WITH OTHERS – ESPECIALLY NOT ‘WITH SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. - this does not look good. If they are taken at a family simcha great – then mention in your written part and who you are with. Don’t take photo’s with other;s it will alo be difficult to know who you are.
Just a few more tips for you..please consider