Jewish Dating Blog | The inside scoop – Jewish Dating wisdom from the Matchmaker

This is a post from Essortment – Your source for knowledge and felt that it was worth sharing.

A long distance relationship takes hard work and commitment to grow and thrive. These tips will help keep your relationship strong even with thousands of miles in between you and your partner.

They say “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” but anyone who is or has been in a long distance relationship knows the key to success is more than just absence. Long distance relationships are built on loyalty, trust, and respect. While these relationships sometimes are misunderstood by those who are not involved, the couple who is committed to making it work knows that the challenges posed by distance can become strengths in the relationship. Long distance is not for every couple, but for those who know they have found their soul mates, a few thousand miles cannot keep love from growing and blooming into a beautiful relationship. The following 10 tips can help a long distance relationship jump over the hurdles and make it to the finish line – when both members of the couple are in the same city for good.Tip #1: Make a game plan – When a long distance relationship is beginning to form, it is important for both members to determine what they want to do for the short and long terms. As with all good relationships, it’s important to remember to make each person comfortable with the plan and to allow for give and take as the relationship evolves.

Tip #2: Communication is key – let the other person know how much you miss them and love them. With thousands of miles in between you and your beloved, it’s easy to become insecure, so try to nip that in the bud. Make the person know how much you care by telling them how much you love and miss them every time you speak.

Tip #3: Be there for the person in good times and bad times. The phrase “I’m only a phone call away” takes on new meaning to those in a long distance relationship. Whereas people in local relationships can see each other to celebrate their successes and reach out for a hug or shoulder to lean on when things do not go so well, people in long distance relationships need to provide that support on the phone. Be able to be reached when you say you will be, then listen and respond accordingly to the news you hear from the other end of the line.

Tip #4: Make the commitment. Long distance relationships are tough, so they definitely need the commitment of both parties in order to make it through the often long days and nights. While it can take a lot of work to make a long distance relationship work, remember that it is worth it because it could be your soul mate that you are talking to each night before you go to sleep.

Tip #5: Send old-fashioned letters and packages through the mail. Everyone loves to see personal mail in the mailbox instead of simply finding bills there day after day. Not only that, but it’s romantic to see the thoughts and emotions of your loved one spelled out in a card or a letter. Snail mail also gives you the opportunity to send care packages filled with your sweetheart’s favorite things, remembrances of you or a special day, or even inside jokes the two of you share. The use of old-fashioned mail gives your relationship a sense of romanticism that often is overlooked – plus, it’s fun!

Tip #6: Uncork the bottle. If something is bothering you, say it. Do not let it build up because it is noticeable on the phone or in notes if you are not 100% happy with something. Not dealing with problems directly always is tough, but in a long distance relationship that depends on honest and open communication, it is imperative to discuss these issues right from the start.

Tip #7: Use technology to your advantage. E-mails, text messages, and the advances in Web cameras really help long distance lovers stay close throughout the long spaces in between visits. E-mails and text messages allow you to send short notes of love and short updates on what you are up to in your hometown while the other person goes on with his/her day. The Web cam is a huge advancement for long distance relationships as it allows for the two of you to have face-to-face conversations as long as both of you have an Internet connection and a camera. Seeing your sweetheart’s facial expressions can often make what would have been a normal old phone conversation turn into an amazing meeting between the two of you. Remember to use these technologies to say “I love you” as often as possible.

Tip #8: Common interests give you topics to discuss. When you live in the same city, it is easy to find things to talk about because you constantly are sharing experiences. When you live apart, those shared experiences are few and far between. Common interests help both of you know that you will have something to chat about each time you get on the phone or see each other in person. If you enjoy hockey, encourage your loved one to watch a game or two with you, then this could be another shared interest for the two of you. If your significant other decides to pick up tennis while you live apart, sign yourself up for some lessons and you may just find yourself to be an ace on the court and off!

Tip #9: Make the other person remember how great you are! Talk about the good things about your life and remind your loved one about how great you are. If you wear your favorite outfit to the office and know that you looked fabulous, tell your significant other about how super you looked in that outfit that both of you like so much; chances are your better half will hear this and smile with memories of how you always look good wearing that outfit. If you do something great, share it – it is easy to share the bad times with your partner, but be sure to include that person in on all the good times, too. This will remind him or her about the wonderful person on the other end of the phone call and make the desire to see you in person even greater.

Tip #10: Plan visits. Nothing can take the place of a visit from your partner who lives far away. Plan the visit, then make sure that person gets all the quality time he/she deserves during that time (for example, do not plan a night out with the girls the night your boyfriend arrives). Be sure to enjoy each other’s company when you are together because this is a major part of what will keep your relationship alive during the weeks, months, or years apart.

Following these tips may not make your long distance relationship perfect, but it should help you make the best of your time apart” “and keep your relationship on solid footing until you two are lucky enough to end up in the same city. Good luck!

 

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If you feel you haven’t moved forward on a relationship in some time – maybe you should look at that relationship and ask yourself why? What was missing and was it something that you could have changed.

 Ask yourself a few questions and even write them done. Why would someone want to marry you? What can you give or offer someone to have a relationship with you? How can you do to stay in relationship, remember you can only really change yourself – you can’t change someone else.

 By answering these questions and really being serious with what you write down, maybe this can be the first steps to coming closer to a better relationship. Try to understand who you are – and what you are looking for. You have to be serious – and open to compromise, but more so, be realistic. It may mean for you to take a hard look at yourself, before you can move forward.

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So many people wonder why they are not getting matched up. Could part of it be their dating profile?

Definitely:

Your profile is going to be what makes you stand out over someone else. Show a side of your personality, who you are and what makes you just a little different then the others. If you are more of the serious type, humorous, enjoy reading the classic novels this can be a way to show the other person what and who you are. Be creative, funny, like adventure say what you have done,

“come explore with me the four corners of the world,

lets take in bike riding in  Europe,

hand-gliding over the sea, or swimming with the dolphins”,

Obviously only if this is something that you enjoy doing. Be realistic, if you are the quiet type that likes to stay at home with a good book, don’t say that you love to go out. You want to positive, don’t talk about the baggage or past relationships. Mention what you are hoping to find in a partner, sincere, caring and compassionate, or someone who has some spark - or a little on the “rough around the edges” If you are religious then to what level – and things that you will or won’t compromise on.

You also want your profile to be clear – without typos, or spelling mistakes – if English is not your first language then ask a friend to help you out.

Remember as well: The photo’s you want it to be recent – show a head shot, full body shot and then another one that shows a side to your personality – family oriented, adventurous, sports….

Have fun with it – take your time – and if in doubt have someone review it.

Hope this helps a little

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Thought I would share this with you:

 

A few thoughts on how to better navigate the dating scene.

by Slovie Jungreis-Wolff

It’s not easy being single. After dating for months or years, one can feel discouraged and pessimistic. Here are five tips on how to better navigate the dating scene.

1. Be Open

At a singles gathering I approached a woman I know and asked if she would go out with a young man standing across the room. I had previously met him and knew him to be considerate, intelligent and a working professional.

As we spoke, her friend walked over and interjected her opinion.

“Him?” she said. “Ugh. I would never let you date him! He is a total TWOT”.

“A TWOT?” I asked. “What’s a TWOT?”

She looked at me and explained. “A TWOT is a Total Waste Of Time”.

They walked away and no introduction was made. Maybe nothing would’ve come out of their meeting, who knows? But I wonder how many dates never happen because of a dismissive remark from a friend, a rolling of the eyes, or a look of contempt. How often does someone share information that does not allow another to accept a date? Just because this person was not right for you does not mean that he or she would not be right for your friend. Your sarcastic remark or casual putdown just ruined it for someone else.

Don’t allow the views of another to prevent you from finding love. Be open to meeting new people even if your friends don’t believe this is the right one for you. Make an effort to break out of the box you have put yourself in. If you keep on dating the same type of personality without success, ask yourself if now is the time to be open to meeting a different sort of individual. Maybe you are stuck with an unrealistic picture of who your soul mate is.

2. Be Positive about Yourself

Torah teaches us “Love others as you love yourself.” Loving yourself is not a selfish love. It means that you are aware of your strengths and you know that you can make a difference in this world. Building strong relationships with another person begins when we have built a solid relationship with ourselves. Don’t be overly harsh on yourself. Focus on your positive traits. Radiate confidence; it’s attractive. If you do not love and feel good about who you are, why would the person you are dating feel differently?

A very attractive career woman came to meet with me about finding her soul mate. She felt that she was doing something wrong in her dating life. As soon as we began our conversation, I noticed that she radiated a sadness and defeatist attitude whenever she spoke about her romantic prospects. It was as if she gave off a message that she did not think she would ever find her bashert. She was carrying years of baggage with her. Without realizing it, she had been broadcasting that she felt awful about her chances of finding true love. Men felt her negative vibes. It was almost as if she was saying, “You won’t want me, just like the rest of them.” By transforming her attitude, she would give herself a positive emotional makeover.

3. Pay Attention to Your Body Language

You’d be surprised at how many of us totally ignore the signals we send out through our body language and actions.

Here are some ideas to think about before you go on your next date.

Show that you are interested. Smile. Maintain eye contact. Don’t fidget with your hair. Turn off your phone and stop checking your texts. Don’t keep scanning the room to see who else is there. You will seem bored and disinterested. Dress up for your date-at least show that you care enough to be well groomed and not wear stained or wrinkled clothing. It’s not about being shallow; it’s about taking care of your teeth, your hair, your shoes, and the way you wish to transmit your persona.

4. Work on Communication Skills

Communicating is not just about talking, it is also about listening.

Some of us know how to tell over a really good story but we forget how to listen. Give the other person a chance to speak and offer their opinions. Watch that you are not constantly interrupting. If you do not agree with a point of view or feel strongly about your own opposing convictions, try not to let the conversation get heated through an acrimonious tone. Watch that you are not coming off as judgmental.

A shy person may find it more difficult to share emotions, but even if you are introverted, you can add to the conversation. Show your personality by sharing an exciting incident that happened to you or ideas that you are passionate about. These are ice breakers and wonderful ways to keep a conversation going. Ask questions-most people enjoy talking about their interests.

You may not feel that this person is for you, but you should attempt to try and get to know the person anyway. Acting as if we just want to go home leaves us with a lost opportunity to gain insight and understanding. We can grow richer from every encounter we have in life. We are taught this lesson so beautifully in Ethics of the Fathers: Ben Azzai used to say, “Do not be scornful of any person and do not be disdainful of anything, for you have no person without his hour and no thing without its place. “

5. Make Time, Make an Effort

You need to make dating a priority in your life. You may feel that you know everyone out there so what’s the point in going to this mixer or that class… but there is a point. Staying home and watching Downton Abbey or your favorite sports team will not help you on your quest for love. Get out of your comfort zone and embrace the moment. You never know who you will meet. Your soul mate may even be a friend of a friend whom you meet that night. Be positive about blind dates; wonderful marriages have been made despite the couple being introduced and not finding each other on their own. Effort means we don’t just try to fit our desire to get married into our busy life.

When we say that we struggle to find the time to date between our packed work, friends and gym schedule, it means that we haven’t made dating and marriage our number one goal.

Though we cannot always determine where life takes us, we can make sure that we try our hardest to navigate the road successfully. Taking a good look at ourselves and making real changes in both attitude and action can help us build a life filled with joy and blessing.

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We all know that in order to get married you will have to meet someone and date. The couple actually have to meet, and agree to the match. You should be ready when you date to make a committed relationship work, and decide if you are ready for marriage or if you just want to date casually. If you want the casual relationship – then please don’t agree to go out with someone who is marriage minded and committed.

 When you are dating you want to see if the person is compatible, how do you go about this? Choosing a place especially at the beginning to meet and talk to find out if there is enough to move forward. You want to discuss what you re looking for – and what and where you can see yourself in the future. If you find that there are similar goals, and you are both serious this will be the start for building a great beginning. By meeting someone casually and taking years to date, and decide – why, are you really dating to determine if this person is for you – do you wait for months to decide to speak about what you are looking for in a spouse, a partner?

 If you start with the basics then you have what to build on the relationship, the ideas of the traditional – religious approach to dating can be used. Meet, talk and go out – don’t spend so many “dates” trying to impress each other – for men taking and spending so much to be creative in a date where you have a great time but don’t even speak to each other. This is something for later on – when you know it is the “right” person – then go and have the fun and together build and enjoy the time together, and most important your future together.

No tags

Understanding a little more of how the dating scene works today can also assist us in finding a suitable partner. Some people find that they have a steady group of people and continuously meet others. While there are those that just can’t seem to find the right person.

Some woman could be going a little overboard. In attempting to attract the men they become so obsessed with their appearance, the right outfit, or even the make-up they are wearing that they tend to forget who they are. Best way is to try to be as natural as possible, don’t overdue the make-up or outfit, be who you are.  

You also want to keep conversation moving and don’t divulge everything about yourself. You want to keep in interesting that you can have more to speak about the next time. Ask questions from each other so the conversation can flow and you can find out enough about each other to see if there is interest to move forward.

Men don’t feel you have to spend so much on the first date; you don’t have to make such an impression. Staying casual and having a nice, relaxing place to speak is what you should look for. Not with the music blaring that you can’t even hear other. Leave the impressing for later on, if the relationship moves forward. But even then do things that you are interesting in and ask what she likes as well – so you can find things together to enjoy. Being creative doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. If you really can’t afford the extravagant plans don’t show her that, you also have to be realistic with each other.

For both – you want to show who you are, be up front and honest with each other, and be as a natural as possible.

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DON’T

Unless it is for scheduling a date – that you are running late – a reminder…

Texting is not something to be used as a form of communication to each other – speaking to each other either by a phone call or better yet in person is the means to get to know someone. Once you are in a relationship if you decide together that texting can help in certain situations then go ahead.

We are moving away from proper means of communication with modern technology – when it comes to dating to really find out about each other, and know if the person is for you – it comes to some old fashion ways, communication through voice.

It may take awhile to get use, but if you are looking for a person to be with, spend your life with – you will require to know how to communicate verbally especially at the beginning

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Dating gets expensive – and with so many other expensive as well it is not necessary to send so much money on dating. You can be creative, and keep the costs down here are just a few to get you going

Some great reasonably priced activities:

Walk in the park: Every city has some great parks  – take a stroll around enjoy the scenery and maybe pack up a picnic lunch and have a nice time

Coffee Shop: Great place to hang out enjoy a hot drink and have a chat – some also have nice outdoor area – if the weather is good for it

Enjoy your city or the surrounding area.: Find a nice area to go and walk around – check out your local sites and/or sounds.

Explore a local market: Walk through and enjoy

Bike ride or run: Depending if you are into fitness go take out the bikes – enjoy a run together.

Local events: Every city especially around the holidays has reasonably priced activities going on check out the local paper..

After a few dates a fun way to get together with another couple or two – board games – can be a great way to really get to know one another and see how the interaction is between your friends.

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Jewish Dating is difficult enough do we need to get so hung up on the physical – isn’t beauty skin deep? Isn’t beauty different for everyone? Isn’t dating beautiful woman (or men) just part of what you should want, why does it seem that more and more people are focusing on the physical over the attributes that are more important?

Yes attraction is important – and the chemistry has t o be there but if all the other attributes for what you are looking for – why not  at least give it a chance. Go out a few more times – over time we all get older, heavier, skinnier, greyer, or bald, what will remain will be the qualities that you started with.

That is what you should be looking for the qualities that make the person, not the physical take a chance go out of your physical range maybe you will be surprised

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